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Resilience has an important role to play July 27, 2024Homepage Display / playResilience, or the capacity to overcome challenges in life and emerge as a stronger person as a result, is one of the most important personal resources an individual can develop over the course of their life. Building resilience can be life-changing for children in particular. Parents and carers can help to develop this resource in children throughout their developmental stages.
One approach to take is the ‘I Have, I Am, I Can’ model which can help to strengthen resilience in your children. Through this approach you can help children to identify their personal strengths (‘I am great at reading’) and the supports which they have in their lives (‘I have my teacher’ or ‘I have my best friend’) which can assist them in overcoming obstacles (‘I can pass my school test’).
Some young people who have followed the model have reported that it helped them learn how to cope, learn the importance of talking about the issues on their minds and learn to value their own significance in the world.
Ways in which you can help your child or young person when it comes to building resilience include:
Help support your child’s physical and mental wellbeing, by taking steps including eating a balanced diet and getting regular exercise, making sure your children have the time and the freedom to play indoors and outdoors, working together as a family to get along most of the time and support one another and supporting your child in school. If you have concerns about your child’s health, you should seek professional support.
Help your child to develop a strong sense of identity by valuing their unique attributes and accepting them for who they are at the present moment. Children who are comfortable with their identity ask questions and try new things. They know they can contribute to the world and make a difference.
Talk to your child about their body in an age-appropriate way to help them develop a healthy and balanced body image and feel positive about themselves. Addressing questions and topics about their growing and changing bodies and feelings directly, at an appropriate time and in an age-appropriate way, can help to avoid confusion for children.
The challenges which can face children and young people as they are growing up are many and varied. Those who find themselves in a minority, whether LGBTQI, living with a disability, living in a country other than that in which they were born, identifying with a gender other than that which they were assigned at birth, or otherwise, may find that they have to overcome additional obstacles.
As parents or carers, how we express our emotions can give an example to our children. By sharing and naming our feelings, children in turn develop the vocabulary and tools to talk about how they are feeling. If children are aware that other people can get sad or angry – and that these feelings can be expressed safely – then they are less likely to feel overwhelmed.
This article was contributed by ISPCC on behalf of Parenting Limerick. Parenting Limerick is a network of parenting and family support organisations. The ISPCC’s Childline service can be reached at 1800 66 66 66 (24 hours a day), by text to 50101 (10am – 4am every day), or online at Childline.ie (10am – 4am every day). [...]
Surviving Children’s Birthday PartiesJuly 18, 2024Home Life / Homepage DisplayIn an era where throwing children’s parties seem to have grown out of all proportion, reduce your stress level with a few handy pointers:
Keep it in perspective – yes you want to celebrate your child and ensure they have a great time, but you also don’t want them to develop unrealistic expectations about what a birthday actually is
Set a budget – let your child know that the sky isn’t the limit by helping you to prioritise what is needed and what isn’t
Have a game plan – Play, food, opening presents, games is a good sequence for a 2-3 hour party
Balance the goodies – Parties don’t have to be equated with junk food. Yes, you can offer treats but do they all need to be of the glow-in-the-dark, sugar-coated variety? Small muffins, popcorn, cordial instead of fizz, plain chocolate – you can peel it back without sacrificing the ‘treats’ element
Bring in back-up – Friends or family that are willing to help out means that there are eyes on all children (excited, sugar-fuelled children have a tendency to wander)
Set clear pick-up times – A loose ‘around 5pm’ could be interpreted as any time before 6, so be exact about times during drop-off
Provided by Maria O’Dwyer ABC Start Right [...]
Summer as a Time to Take StockJuly 18, 2024Home Life / Homepage DisplayThe summer holidays bring a change of pace that children and adults alike look forward to every year. Routines become more relaxed and schedules are looser. The great weather over the last week has added new levels of enjoyment – more trips to beaches and lakes, eating outside and seeing ice pops as almost medicinal. The only real intrusion on the longer, lazy days is the constant ‘back to school’ marketing that we’re hearing and seeing everywhere. Children are reminded that the break is temporary and parents are reminded of the financial pressures of sending children back to school.
September is often considered more popular than January for making new resolutions. With new uniforms and shiny new school bags comes the promise of a clean slate. The summer break, therefore, might be the perfect time to take the time and space to think about little changes that you can make as family ahead of the new school term.
If the morning routine in your house can be a little chaotic, for example, think about how you might change it. Experiment during the holidays with things that might make it run more swiftly. Maybe try getting up 15 minutes earlier or teach older children how to prepare and pack their lunch the night before. They will learn new life skills and you’ll free up some precious time in the morning for the usual last-minute tasks, like locating missing school bags.
Downtime over the summer is also a great time to support or encourage activities with your children that will benefit them later on. For younger children who are starting school for the first time in September, you could practice the route to school together so that it becomes familiar to them. For children who find reading homework challenging, take trips to the local bookshop or library and find books that suit their interests. When they can read in their own time and at their own pace, they are more likely to enjoy it. Swimming in school can be a little daunting so use the summer to visit the pool that your child’s school uses. As well as enjoying a swim together, your child will know how the lockers work and where the showers are before they go with school. This familiarity can remove a lot of stress ahead of starting a new school activity.
Once the term starts things get busy and we tend to just do things the way we always have. With a little practice and a few trial runs over the summer holidays, you’ll see that small tweaks can lead to big changes. Parenting can be tough so anything that lightens the load is always good!
This article was contributed by a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Setting and Maintaining Boundaries:July 4, 2024Home Life / Homepage DisplayBoundaries for children: Children are more likely to feel more secure and to behave better when they experience consistency and routine. As the summer holidays kick in and school time routine goes out the window, this is a timely topic for many parents!
As parents, it is our job to take charge, whenever necessary. Predictable routines and firm boundaries allow children to know what to expect and who they can rely on so they then have the confidence to explore the world around them and develop new skills. Sometimes, to avoid conflict, parents feel unable to set boundaries and rules and follow them though and this puts the child in charge. This can be frightening for children as they are not developed cognitively enough to manage being in charge.
Putting boundaries and rules in place can be difficult, especially if children have gotten used to life without many boundaries or without hearing “no” very often. However, we must remember that it is never too late to make a change. It is also important to keep our boundaries and rules realistic. For example, it is not realistic to try to implement a boundary that our children must never disagree with each other. It is more realistic to set the boundary that we can disagree with our siblings but we must never hit or that we must always try to resolve our disagreements with words.
In trying to maintain some house rules and boundaries for our children we must try the same approach. It is not realistic to suggest that if a house rule is broken, we remove all gaming devices for the rest of the week. Rather, if a house rule is broken, we might reduce the time spent on gaming that evening by 15 minutes.
When your child breaks a rule or a boundary, it can be helpful to respond to this behaviour promptly, sensitively and assertively. A helpful technique for this is The Broken Record technique. If for example, your child breaks the house rule of tidying their bedroom on a Saturday morning. Try to keep your voice calm and soft in dealing with the matter. Here is an example:
Parent: “our rule is that you tidy your bedroom on a Saturday morning”,
Child: “But he didn’t tidy his bedroom either!”
Parent: “I understand that and I’ll speak to him next, the rule is that you too tidy your bedroom on a Saturday morning”.
Child: “you’re always picking on me!”
Parent: “I understand that you are annoyed with me and we can discuss that later if you like. Right now, I need you to tidy your bedroom, thank you.”
By the third instruction, most children will see we are being firm and will comply. So it is best to end by thanking them and then praise for when the task is complete. However, if our young person still argues or refuses, we can move to a consequence. It is important that we stay calm, choose a consequence that is manageable and not too drastic. For example, “I would rather you did not lose 10c of your pocket money, so I need you to tidy your room, thank you.” Making it seem as though you don’t want to implement this consequence is better than something that sounds more threatening such as “Tidy up or you’ll lose 10c of your pocket money.” Children can feel as though both parties have something to gain from completing the task.
Try to allow them time in between each instruction to change their mind and complete the task. Once the task has been completed, it is important to thank and to praise and not to comment any further on the task as it is helpful to end the interaction positively.
If the consequence has to be implemented, try to do so calmly and matter-of-factly. It is important to follow through on the consequences if they are mentioned and so the child learns to pay attention to the instruction as they know the consequence will come. Try to do this as privately as possible to reduce the potential embarrassment and/or defensiveness your child might experience if this happens in front of others.
Top Tips:
Remain Consistent: It is confusing for children if we stick to rules and boundaries one day and do not the next day.
Try to Encourage Decision Making, Where Possible: For example, “we have to tidy our room now, do you want to make the bed first or put away the clothes”.
Keep Empathy With Boundaries: For example, “I can see that you are upset that you cannot go out to play, but it is too late now. Tomorrow we can talk about going out to play when it is earlier and safer.”
Move On After: When the interaction about the boundary/rule is over, let it be over. Whether the child completed the task or the consequence is implemented, do not dwell on the interaction or let it become a bigger issue.
Small Reasonable Consequences: Try to implement small reasonable consequences that can be carried out shortly after the incident to increase the likelihood of the child remembering why this consequence has occurred.
Have fun too: When implementing a new boundary, it can feel like a lot of difficult change for a child. Although in the long run the benefits of the boundaries will be apparent, it is helpful to also remember to have fun and silly time when we are not setting and implementing boundaries. During the week of starting the new boundary, try do something fun with your child so their focus is not entirely on the difficult boundary.
This article written by HSE Primary Care Child and Family Psychology Services, a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Summer Holidays for Autistic Children and their FamiliesJune 27, 2024Ability / Homepage DisplayThe summer holidays have arrived! Many families are looking forward to the move away from routine and consistency that school provides. As schedules are interrupted and routines broken, families of children and young people with autism can find it challenging. Each child has unique strengths and needs. With a little preparation, holiday stress can be reduced. Here are some practical tips on supporting autistic children and young person who are facing changes in routines during the summer break.
Preparation is crucial for autistic children and young people. When a new event or outing is coming up, you can:
Use a calendar: a visual aid showing when an event is scheduled can be used to prepare your child. It is important not to plan too much in advance. For some children, a few days’ notice makes all the difference. For others, a few hours’ notice is required. Either way, talking about an upcoming event in advance greatly reduces anxiety, and supports the transition to a new environment.
Use visual aids: these can support communication regarding routines. You can use them in your own home or when planning trips outside the home. Depending on your child, visuals can include drawings, photographs, and pictures on phones. It is important to consider your child’s attention to detail, as the picture you use might be different to the actual place, which can cause upset.
Tell a story: developing social stories can assist your child’s understanding, and prepare them for an upcoming event or outing.
If visitors are calling to the home or if you plan to go visiting other people’s homes, you can:
Show photos in advance of relatives and visitors who will be calling in during the holidays.
If your child struggles in noisy or busy environments, find a quiet go-to place within your home or wherever you are visiting.
Have games, activities or favourite toys on hand.
Prior to visitors calling in, consider possible triggers to a meltdown. Some of these can be sharing of toys, other children using their belongings, and noise levels. Preparing for such situations can reduce anxiety for your child.
Having to interact with visitors might lead to meltdowns. When visitors are coming to the home, it is sometimes best to allow your child to follow their own lead.
If you are flying abroad for holidays, you can:
Have your child’s favourite foods, books or toys available during the flight
Check if your airport has a Special Assistance Programme. Many Irish airports have developed visual schedules on their websites, and have special assisted processes to support the transition through the airport.
The key message is: plan in advance. Preparation is key to success during the holiday season. Remember the words: First, Next, Finished. These provide a structure and sequence to activities. Identify your child’s triggers and prepare a plan, should your child experience a meltdown or a sensory overload. Check Autism parent forums on Facebook and Irish Autism websites for Autism-friendly days at various locations around town. Finally, focus on the successes, and celebrate them!
This article was contributed by a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Transitioning to Secondary School: Helping your child to prepareJune 6, 2024Ages & Stages / Homepage Display / Middle Childhood / TeenagersTransitioning from primary school to secondary school is a process bound to result in some apprehension. This transition brings many changes for which a young person has to prepare including; a different and perhaps larger environment with more people, new multiple teachers for different subjects, new classmates, a different lunchtime experience, and new subjects. Although this transition can be a time of excitement for your young person as they are growing up and moving onto the next chapter in their lives, it can also be a time of uncertainty and even anxiety for some.
So how do these differences and this transition impact on your young person? Your child is going to be making big adjustments navigating socially and emotionally through this transition. In terms of social adjustments; secondary schools tend to be bigger, have larger class sizes, and students have numerous teachers. This is a vast social setting for young people to navigate. This brings great opportunities for your young person to develop and grow socially. It may, however, also be that it takes your young person longer to feel comfortable enough in this bigger school environment to socialise. Your young person may be uncertain at first about where they fit in this new larger class with varying personalities. It may also take them time to navigate new and less personal student-teacher relationships. Remember socially this is quite demanding on your young person.
Emotionally, your child is also adjusting. These adjustments include; separating from old friends who may be transitioning to a different school, experiencing dual emotions both worry and excitement, being introduced to new technologies like mobile phones and social media. Mobile phones provide your young person with a sense of independence and can provide parents with security in terms of more communication access when away from you. However, boundaries around phone usage are very necessary at this age. Most schools will have a mobile phone policy and rules in this regard too. Additionally, appropriate safety features in terms of social media and internet use are also recommended. It’s important to be vigilant to the demands of social media, encouraging discussions with your young person around healthy social media usage and awareness of how misleading social media, images and influencers can be.
Transitioning to secondary school promotes more independence in your young person and achieving new tasks improves their sense of mastery and confidence. However, new pressures are also present including; an increase in homework quantity and difficulty, exams to prepare for, and increased organisational demands with timetables, lockers, and constant changes in classrooms. This pressure can be overwhelming for young people at times and they may need support to deal with these demands.
So what can help your young person with this transition period? Remind your young person that change can also be exciting and encourage them to think about all the positive things they will get to experience, such as new friends, new extracurricular activities, new subjects to explore, and more independence moving between classes and during lunch. Acknowledge the end of primary school and celebrate this achievement. As well as acknowledging the positives it is important to allow your young person also to express any feelings of anxiety, worry, fear or sadness that they may be experiencing. Most importantly continue to support your child and their emotions, and promote open and frequent communication with them throughout this transition period.
Top Tips: Transitioning to secondary school
“Being with” your young person’s emotions-This means sitting with your young person when they experience a big emotion like anxiety or sadness. “Being with” an emotion does not mean talking through what has happened or fixing the problem. It is simply being with that child while they feel what they feel, indicating to them it is ok to feel the emotions they feel. Using phrases such as “I know you are worried” or “I know this is hard” can help them feel understood. Being with your child in their emotions helps them acknowledge and then move out of that emotion.
When communicating with your young person, sometimes it can be easier to talk about how they are feeling and how it is affecting them when you are connected to them through an activity they enjoy. A relaxed, playful environment allows easier exploration of difficult feelings for your young person when the time is right for them.
When communicating with your young person remember: listen patiently, validate how they feel, boost their self-esteem with praise when the opportunity arises, control your emotions-don’t match their chaos, instead bring calm, be open and be observant.
Promote safe phone and social media use with your young person:
Be a role model for your young person and show healthy phone usage
Phones are removed from bedrooms at agreed times (including overnight)
Set safety and privacy settings on their phone
Monitor social media use, content and communications for safety
HSE Primary Care Child and Family Psychology Service is running an online workshop on “Transitioning to secondary school: helping your child to prepare”. This workshop is most suitable for parents or professionals who are seeking information in relation to supporting young people transition to secondary school. To register your attendance, contact 087-3451489.
This article was contributed by Elisha Minihan, Psychology Assistant with the Primary Care Child and Family Psychology Service. The psychology service is a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Managing Exam WorriesMay 17, 2024Homepage Display / TeenagersMany students have underlying worries approaching their exams, regardless of their academic capabilities. No matter how big or small, all exam worries can affect a student’s exam performance and overall well-being. These worries can also appear in various disguises including lashing out, negative self-talk, unexplained physical ailments, or going from a diligent to an indifferent student overnight. For parents, exam season can be difficult to navigate and cultivates a mixed sense of protectiveness and powerlessness. However, a parent’s support during exam season is imperative.
Emphatically listening to your child’s worries without dismissing any (no matter how irrational they seem) can help ease much stress. This non-judgmental listening ear gives your child the opportunity to express their underlying worries in a healthy way. Try opening up conversations when you are shoulder-to-shoulder rather than face-to-face to help them feel more comfortable and less exposed or interrogated. They may not want to share their worries with you immediately, but will know that you are willing to listen when they are ready.
Under the pressures that accompany exams, thought patterns can often go askew and lead to irrational thoughts predicting worst-case scenarios or backing an “all or nothing” mindset. As parents witnessing this you can take the role of acknowledging the thoughts of your child while also letting them know that you believe the opposite to be true. Remind your child of how strong they are and help them recall a time or situation when they came through, managed, survived a similarly anxious time. This will help support your child in coming up with a more balanced way of thinking.
During exam time, there is an apparent shift in values. Many children will begin to measure their own self-worth on exam performance, or by comparing themselves to siblings, peers, or others around them. As a parent, remind your child of their individual intrinsic qualities, which truly represent who they are (caring, humorous, creative, etc.) and avoid adding to the comparison dialogue with examples of how well others handled a similar experience. Most importantly, let your child know that no matter what the outcome, you will be able to deal with it together and that you accept them regardless of their academic achievements.
Exam season can be physically, mentally, and emotionally energy zapping, with study demands often placing a healthy lifestyle balance by the wayside. However, maintaining a healthy balance will benefit your child hugely. Keeping a balanced diet, drinking enough water, engaging in regular physical activity, getting a good night’s sleep and preserving time for enjoyable interests is essential. Now, before the exam stress commences, is also an ideal time to encourage your child to begin practising some relaxation techniques or mindfulness exercises. Practising these skills now will allow your child to readily draw on them as a healthy coping mechanism during unhelpful exam stress. A healthy level of stress naturally improves motivation and exam focus, and all of the above will help keep these stress levels at this optimal level.
Top Tips
Support your child in challenging their worries
First acknowledge the worries your child is having. Then support them in coming up with a more balanced way of thinking about these worries. An example might be changing “I’m going to fail!” to “I’ve passed a hard exam before, I can do it again”. It might also help if your child writes this balanced thought down for future reference.
Set miniature goals
Help your child breakdown their overwhelming workload into smaller, more manageable steps ahead of their exam.
Celebrate effort
Take every opportunity to celebrate the effort your child is putting in to prepare. After an exam, avoid immediately asking what grade they obtained and instead ask a more open question about how they found the experience.
Good enough is good enough!
Try to adopt this mantra in your household. Your child will be feeling pressure from all angles and it is important that you try not to add to this overwhelming feeling. Notice your expectations and whether these are adding additional pressure.
Balance is key
Help your child to maintain a healthy life balance during this busy time. This includes diet, water intake, relaxation, social engagement, and preserving time to do the things they love.
Look after yourself
Be sure not to forget about your own wellbeing during this overwhelming period. Modelling a healthy life balance will also benefit your child. As they say “you can’t pour from an empty cup!”
This article was written by HSE Primary Care Child and Family Psychology Services, a member of Parenting Limerick. Parenting Limerick is a network of parenting and family support organisations. [...]
Helping your Child manage Big EmotionsMay 9, 2024Homepage Display / Middle Childhood / Pre-School Age / Toddlers“When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions it is our job to share our calm not, join their chaos” – L.R. Knost.
There are six basic emotions which are universally experienced by every one of all ages, across all cultures – fear, disgust, anger, surprise, happiness, and sadness. Feeling all our emotions is a very normal and important part of being human and being a child. Emotions are a subjective experience, meaning that although two children may go through the same experience, how they interpret this experience and what they feel as a result, may be very different.
Emotions elicit a “body” response, for example heart racing, pain in tummy, breathing faster, sweaty hands, etc. Again, these can be very different for each child. The behavioural response is how we react or behave in response to an emotion. This may include crying, laughing, jumping, shouting, cuddling with a parent, throwing something or talking it out. It is important to remember that the part of the brain which manages impulsive behaviours doesn’t start to develop until around 4 years old, and continues to develop until well into our 20’s. Younger children therefore need a lot more support to understand and manage their emotions and the behavioural response.
The ability to control our emotions is known as emotion regulation. This process takes time and can be challenging for some. Emotion regulation involves – becoming aware of the emotion; using words to describe the emotion; understanding the body reaction; identifying what triggers the emotion and finally learning strategies to manage it. As a child become more capable in emotion regulation, they begin to “respond” to the emotion, rather than reacting to it (which often looks like tantrums, lashing out, aggressive behaviour and shouting).
In order to help a child to learn emotion regulation, adults must first be capable of self-regulation – the awareness, knowledge and understanding of our own emotions, behaviours and reactions. When we are regulated, not only are we a positive role model, we are able to meet the child’s nervous system ‘where it is at’ by listening, remaining calm and providing a warm responsive relationship. Practicing emotional literacy, that is, naming emotions in a calm manner, will teach children emotions do not require a drastic response. For example, ‘I am feeling really angry that I spilt my tea, I’m am going to take a few deep breaths and take a minute to calm before I clean it up’.
Exhibiting a big emotion does not mean a child is trying to annoy us, ruin our day, or upset us. The child is learning and these are opportunities for us to reframe how we are thinking – ‘This is a chance for me to teach my child how to cope with these big feelings’.
Popular emotion regulation strategies include sensory supports, calming techniques, and thinking strategies. Activities such as squeezing a fidget ball or silly putty, sitting with a weighted blanket, swinging on a swing, or jumping trampoline are all useful sensory supports. Calming techniques include progressive muscle relaxation (PMR), colouring, relaxing music, and breathing techniques. Thinking strategies help by learning about the body and what happens when we over react, considering the size of the problem versus size of the reaction, managing self-talk (inner coach vs inner critic) and using more flexible thinking. These strategies can be used to regulate various emotions and should be used in line with the child’s own preference.
Top Tips to help your Child Manage their Big Emotions
The most important thing to remember when your child is experiencing a big emotion, is to stay calm. Use breathing techniques and take a brief moment to yourself, if it is safe to do so, before intervening with your child.
Be empathetic – non-judgemental – what the child is feeling is very real for them! Acknowledging that the feeling they are having is fair and valid can help.
Be with them in their feelings, get down to their level, make eye contact and listen.
Step back and give child space if they need it (1 metre). Stay present, they may look for a hug or some affection.
Reduce talking– avoid entering into an argument or negotiation. Until the body is regulated, the reasoning part of their brain is not working and it can be difficult for them to listen or have a conversation.
A game that involves deep breaths can help bring your child back to calm– for example hot chocolate breathing (pretending to smell a cup of hot chocolate then blowing out to cool it down). Practice these breathing techniques when the child is regulated so that they know what to do when experiencing a big emotion.
Always remember that every big feeling begins, has a peak and then comes to an end.
This article was contributed by the Primary Care Child and Family Psychology Service, a member of Parenting Limerick. Parenting Limerick is a network of parenting and family support organisations. [...]
Supporting your child when they are avoiding schoolMay 2, 2024Homepage Display / Middle Childhood / TeenagersParents and carers can feel isolated and alone when they have a child that struggles to attend school. Parents say that they often feel judged, blamed, misunderstood and frustrated. You do not deserve to feel any of these feelings.
You are not alone
Going through issues around school-avoiding behaviour with your child is full of challenges and tensions. As a parent it is very challenging to have your child’s needs and well-being as your main concern, while at the same time experiencing pressures to get your child back into school.
You may find yourself struggling with how to strike the right balance between how much your child is capable of and how much you should challenge or push them. You may feel that the school is judging you and that the wider system is monitoring you. You may feel that your child is a problem to be managed rather than a person who needs care, love and understanding. You might find yourself feeling frustrated or angry at your child for not going to school. It might have an effect on your relationship with them or others in your family. It can be overwhelming juggling all this along with work and other family commitments. Know that if your child is avoiding school, it is not your fault. You are not alone in this.
You, the parent, should be at the centre of the response schools and other services provide to support your child back to school. They need to do this to create a positive relationship with you. School-avoiding behaviour is often a signal that all is not well in your child’s world; it can be a symptom of a bigger difficulty. It is important to explore what is going on for your child and look for help if you need it. Generally, the earlier a parent does this, the better.
Supporting your child to express their feelings
It is helpful to encourage your child to express what they are feeling about school. However, children can often find it hard to respond to direct questions about what’s going on. They may not be able to identify exactly what their feelings are and why they are feeling them.
When helping your child explore their thoughts and feelings about school try to create a relaxed atmosphere. Listen carefully and recognise that your child’s feelings are valid. Even if they may feel like small things to you, or not a reason why you yourself wouldn’t go to school, they may feel big to your child. Let your child know that you believe in them, you are there for them and you will figure this out together.
You will feel your own stress as well as the distress of watching your child going through a time of difficulty. As best you can, try not to allow your normal and natural concerns for your child’s future to take over the present situation. Try to stay calm and reassure your child, even though you might be feeling stressed.
Remember: Your child’s experience is an understandable reaction to a stressful time or environment. Try to remind yourself, and help your child to know, that the experiences you are going through now will pass. They won’t last forever.
Perhaps you can describe the experiences to your child as a key learning opportunity where you and your child might learn important life lessons like how to manage stress, how to take care of emotional and physical well-being and who to get support from when needed.
Invest in the relationship with your child
First and most important, you help by investing in your relationships with your child. Parenting is the most important, but also the hardest, job you will ever have. We know from research that by far the most protective and influential factor in a child’s life is a safe, caring and supportive parent-child relationship.
Within this safe, loving relationship, you can help your child develop the skills needed to adapt to the challenges life can bring. So, prioritise spending quality time together doing things that you both enjoy. Laugh and have fun together, show an interest in your child’s hobbies, and be available to listen, support and empathise.
Trust in yourself
As a parent or carer, you have a unique insight into your child’s history, relationships, behaviours and emotions. Don’t be afraid to advocate for what you believe your child needs.
Your child’s school has a duty to respond to your concerns. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself. If you need help, or guidance, there are supports available for parents. If you need help working through this or other documents, ask someone you trust to go through them with you.
Make sure to look after yourself. School-avoiding behaviour can be incredibly stressful and exhausting. Reach out to trusted family and friends and say “Yes” to any offers of help.
This article was drawn from Working with your child to address school avoidance: A resource for parents, a Limerick-developed resource launched at Limerick School Attendance Conference. You can download the resource at www.limerickservices.ie/resources. [...]
Encouraging Positive BehaviourApril 18, 2024Homepage Display / Middle ChildhoodWe’ve all been there—it’s the end of a long day and we know that what everyone in the family needs is to be tucked up in bed. Getting there, however, can seem like the a never ending journey. There’s finding the right pair of pyjamas, ensuring the teeth are brushed, scrambling to find the lost tie and the stuffed animal that hasn’t been played with in two months but is suddenly essential, a final drink of water, stories, hugs, another final drink of water and then, as you settle onto the couch for the first time that evening, “Daaaad, I need you…” It’s at this stage that even the most patient among us is tempted to shout up the stairs, “JUST GO TO BED!!” The most patient and the less patient will realise, however, that this very rarely works.
Getting our child to listen and to behave positively can be one of the most challenging parts of parenting. One of the best ways to change unwanted behaviour is to pay attention to and reward the behaviours you want. The most powerful reward is praise, which is a social reward. Another social reward is spending time with your child. Other effective rewards are privileges (like T.V. and gaming time, special outings, extra bedtime stories, time with friends) and material rewards such as money, toys, treats, or a Driver’s License. Below are some ideas on how to establish a reward system with your child.
CHOOSE the behaviour you want your child to do and write it down. Begin with a behaviour that is not too hard to achieve. You can then tackle more difficult behaviours. (If you want your child to stop doing a negative behaviour, decide what its opposite is; that becomes the behaviour goal.)
PRACTICE: Break down the new behaviour into small doable steps you can teach your child and have him or her practice the behaviour. Decide on the how the behaviour will be measured—how your child knows he or she has accomplished it.
REWARD: Decide what reward your child likes and how it will be earned (number of points required, etc.). Have the rewards on hand.
CHART: Let your child choose a tracking chart. Fill it out and be clear about what your child must do to earn a move on the chart and receive a reward.
REWARD: Put the chart in a place where they will be easily seen. Be interested and enthusiastic when your child marks the chart.
PRAISE: Praise your child every time you see him/her doing the new behaviour and have him/her note it on the chart.
When choosing rewards, make sure children find the rewards enticing—let them help decide the reward. Some rewards can be small for smaller achievements and some can be larger for significant progress. Make sure the rewards are on-hand and easy to give. Children earn points to receive rewards by practicing the desired behaviour, setting up a tracking chart, and daily doing the behaviour.
This article was adapted from the Strengthening Families Programme. [...]
Bullying/Cyberbullying and Your ChildApril 11, 2024Homepage Display / Middle ChildhoodBullying impacts the lives of many children and families in Ireland. Bullying is a common enough word these days – but what does it actually mean? Although it is very common and can happen anywhere, we don’t always see or identify bullying soon enough. Bullying is repeated, negative behaviour carried out by an individual or group against others. It can be physical (such as hitting, kicking) or psychological (such as name calling, isolating, harassing). Bullying is an unacceptable behaviour, and should never be overlooked or ignored.
Bullying can happen in a variety of settings, and quite often occurs in situations where there is little or no adult supervision. While disagreements and challenges in interpersonal relationships are an inevitable part of life, instances of bullying can have a significant impact on the social and emotional wellbeing of children and young people. When people bully, they use their power to control or threaten others, this causes feelings of hurt, isolation and fear.
Children and youth have access to more technology than ever before. Social networking sites, smart phones and gaming consoles allow them to connect with others on a larger scale and on a more frequent basis. Cyberbullying refers to bullying that is carried out through the internet, mobile phone, or other technological devices. It can include sending abusive or threatening messages; posting offensive statements or pictures online; and other actions that threaten or upset others using technology. Cyberbullying is often anonymous and hard to control, as the person being bullied may not know who is doing it and, unlike other forms of bullying, can happen in the child’s home or other environments at any time.
As a parent, it is important to let your child know that anyone who bullies others is in the wrong. If a child experiences bullying, whether directly, as a bystander, or participates in bullying others, it is best to talk with a trusted adult.
Should your child talk with you about bullying, it is a good idea to carefully explore their feelings about what happened. You may wish to contact their school about your concerns, so that teachers can help monitor the situation.
The reasons as to why children bully can often be quite complex. This can include low self-esteem, acting out of frustration, poor communication skills, environmental factors, and media exposure. For some children, bullying may give some sense of control or power, when other aspects of their lives feel out of control. A child who bullies may have been previously bullied themselves, or have had other difficult life experiences. Despite their reasons for bullying, children and young people should be made aware that bullying is an unacceptable behaviour for which there are serious consequences.
For those being bullied, many may hide their feelings, particularly if they are afraid to talk about what they are experiencing. Young people might be reluctant to tell others about being bullied because they fear that the bullying may become worse if they tell or they may fear that adults will take away some of the things they enjoy, such as their mobile phone, or internet access. It is important parents and caregivers be attentive and aware of what children and youth are exposed to and the experiences they are having across all environmental settings. Some signs that your child might be experiencing bullying can include a sudden fear of going to school; inability to concentrate; withdrawn behaviour; low mood; loss of confidence and self-esteem; bedwetting; dishevelled appearance; and repeated signs of bruising and injuries.
Children who are being bullied and children who are bullying cannot tackle this problem alone and will require support and encouragement from the adults in their lives to resolve it. The first step is ensuring your child knows that you are there to listen and offer support.
Top Tips
Encourage Respect. During everyday life and on the internet, there are standards for how one should behave when interacting with other people. Speak with your child about the harm that can be caused by bullying and cyberbullying, ensuring that they understand the consequences for bullying. Encourage empathy and understanding of how it feels to be bullied (consider reading books, watching movies and open discussions). Teach and model kindness and respect for others.
Parent involvement in child’s technology use: Parents need to actively monitor their children’s technology use. Be aware of what media platforms they use and what they typically use it for. Ensure that what they are exposed to and engaging in is age-appropriate. Ensure parental controls are enabled. All social media apps have age restrictions and these should be adhered to.
Manage your own emotions: Whether your child has been bullied or has been accused of bullying it is important to try to manage your own emotions and stay calm. For children accused of bullying, they often have difficulties with managing conflict, frustration or are struggling socially. For children who have been bullied, demonstrate understanding and empathy while listening to what they have to say. Assure them you are happy they came to you for support. Ensure your child does not feel “punished” for coming to you (for example losing access to their phone) and problem solve when everyone is calm.
Keep your child informed: Openly discuss with your child what will happen next. They may become worried now that things are out in the open and fear that the situation may get worse, therefore they will need regular reassurance that the situation will be managed.
Liaise with school: Liaise with your child’s school to see if they have noticed any bullying there and share information with them. Work closely with the school to tackle the problem. Every school should have an anti-bullying policy to outline what steps will be taken in the event of bullying in school.
Link with your GP: If the bullying is of a serious nature, your child may need professional help. Seek advice from your GP, who will be able to sign-post you to the most appropriate support.
This article was written by Miranda Comar, Psychology Assistant with the Limerick Primary Care Child and Family Psychology Service. [...]
Top Tips for Recycling Easter GoodiesApril 8, 2024Homepage DisplayLike selection box and gift-wrapping overload at Christmas, Easter can generate a lot of unnecessary waste. Now the hunts are over and the Easter Bunny has gone on his way, there are a few clever ways to deal with waste and leftovers. Some ‘make and do’ time is always time well spent with your child:
Chocolate eggs don’t have to be eaten in their entirety. Enjoy some quality time in the kitchen with your children – melt down eggs to make chocolate buns or cakes. If the weather works out, enjoy those treats as part of an outdoor picnic.
Re-purpose egg boxes before they hit the recycling bin. That cardboard box could make a great spaceship or bed for a tired Barbie!
Easter hamper baskets could be used for some Spring planting. Recycle the straw, replace it with soil and seeds and watch your indoor herb garden grow.
Bunting has become really popular and is easy to recycle. Paper or material triangles can be laid over bunny and chick motifs, complete with your child’s drawings. Happy Easter can become Happy Spring.
Easter bonnets that were done as school projects can be returned to their original straw state and with the addition of some colourful ribbon, you have a new sun hat.
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A Mother’s Thoughts on the Power of Neurodiversity and Positive ParentingApril 8, 2024Ability / Homepage DisplayWorld Autism Awareness Day, highlights the need to help improve the quality of life of those with Autism so that they can lead full and meaningful lives as an integral part of society. To mark Autism Awareness Day, children’s author Sivan Hong shares her thoughts on the power of neurodiversity and positive parenting.
Language holds power. We see this every day on our social media feeds, whether it’s something going viral on twitter or a meme on IG that speaks to exactly what we are feeling in the moment. That is why I was so drawn to the term neurodiversity.
Neurodiversity is a science-based concept that says that brain/learning differences, like Autism, ADHD, Dyslexia, etc. are biologically normal or mainstream. It frames the challenges that come with neurodiversity as differences instead of framing them as deficits. For me, this was a huge “ah-ha” moment. This one word told me that there was nothing “wrong” with my brain, it was just different – and that was okay. Different is normal, not wrong, not broken, not in need of fixing. I can work with different.
As a mother of two neurodivergent kids, it was critical for my boys to grow up feeling that same sense of pride about their brain differences; it was not enough that I felt this way. After all, why should they think of themselves as broken, when they are not? Their brains can do incredible things. They see the world in a different way. There are so many strengths in brain differences, that I wanted them to see those strength within themselves and build on them. The challenge for me, as a mother, was how do to that.
Like many parents, when I looked for ways to teach my kids, I turned to stories – I turned to books. Unfortunately, I soon discovered that there were not a lot of picture books that showed neurodivergent characters. (To be clear, there are some incredible stories out there, but not nearly enough.) I wanted books that could mirror my children’s experiences wearing headphones, chewing gum, playing with fidget toys and their comfort in routine and schedules. I wanted to provide them these types of mirrors to normalize their experiences, so that they could see picture book characters being just like them. I wanted them to see that their experiences while different, were also normal.
I never set out to be an author/illustrator, but I became one to fill a gap that I saw. I created the Super Fun Day Books series to show neurodivergent children facing challenges and overcoming them. My books are structured like social stories, which is a tool used in special education to help teach children about something that may be hard. The illustrations in the books are purposefully simple to help keep a focus on the story and the font is dyslexic friendly. All the books are available as audiobooks to make them accessible to all types of learners. (I happen to consume books best in audio format myself and am so thankful for that technology).
There are days when my children are proud of their neurodiversity and there are days, like with all children, they just want to be like everyone else. I hope that my books help other parents, educators, and therapists, support children so that they more days when they feel proud of their brain differences.
But it cannot just be about neurodivergent kids learning about themselves – neurodiversity should be understood by all children (and adults). Other children see the headphones, the gum chewing, the weighted vests, and wobble seats. Books are also windows into someone else’s life, and I love hearing about how my books help start conversations with neurotypical kids about the differences they may see with their neurodivergent peers.
Afterall, as a mother, I can help change how my kids feel about themselves but the world around them has to share in that positive message. It will take all of us to make that kind of change.
This article is by Sivan Hong, author of the Super Fun Days Books, a collection of best selling social stories about neurodiverse kids (www.sivanhong.com). Sivan shared her story on behalf of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Understanding and supporting your Child’s AnxietyMarch 21, 2024Health & WelbeingAnxiety is our body’s way of letting us know that a threat to our safety is present and we may be in danger. This can be helpful as it allows us to keep ourselves safe and react how we need to in that moment. However anxiety becomes unhelpful when it is persistent over a long period of time, even when a threat is not present.
Helpful anxiety activates our fight, flight, freeze response in the face of danger. This response gives us the best chance of escaping the source of danger or minimising the threat. Flight response encourages us to run from the threat. Fight encourages us to face and fight the threat. While freeze is our body’s response when we cannot fight or run so we freeze often mentally removing ourselves from the event. We feel these responses in our body physically and see them in our behaviour. Sometimes we might hit or kick out, sometimes we feel our heart race and breathing is shallow, and sometimes our body and muscles tense up. These are perfectly normal responses by our brain and body. Unhelpful anxiety however, causes all the same physical symptoms and our behaviour can look the same but there is no threat present. It also happens more often or more intensely than we need it to. This is unhelpful anxiety as it no longer serves the purpose of keeping us safe, it impacts on daily life, and it causes distress.
We know our thoughts, feelings and behaviours are all linked. Typically anxiety affects how we think, what we feel and in turn how we behave. Therefore, if we can change one of these, it will help elicit change in the others as well. When we are experiencing anxiety we typically focus on negative, unhelpful thoughts rather than positive helpful ones. These negative thoughts can include catastrophizing (focusing on the worst possible outcome or situation), jumping to conclusions (coming up with an outcome or result without proof) and dismissing the positives (they don’t count or that was just lucky) among others. These negative thoughts lead inevitably to increased negative feelings within us as a result. Negative feelings can include anxiety, low mood and even anger. Changing how we think about a situation (move from negative thinking to positive or balanced thinking) can result in less anxiety (feeling) and more helpful behaviours (less fight, flight and freeze). Challenging negative thoughts and recognising the anxiety it is causing both emotionally and physically can allow us to break the cycle and move away from anxiety.
Top Tips for helping to reduce your Child/Teen’s Anxiety
“Be with” your child’s emotions: this means sitting with your child when they experience a big emotion like anxiety. “Being with” an emotion does not mean talking through what has happened or fixing the problem. It is simply being with that child while they feel what they feel. Using phrases such as “I know you are worried” or “I know this is hard” can help them feel understood.
Grounding skills: grounding skills help bring our attention into the moment and away from the anxiety. Some grounding skills include:
5,4,3,2,1: Identifying 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.
Body scan: Mentally scan your body from head to toe, noticing areas of tension and focusing on relaxing them.
Breathing exercises: Help slow your breathing, removing your body from a state of fight, flight, or freeze mode to a more balance state. These techniques include -5 finger breathing: trace each finger up as you breathe in and trace each finger down as you breathe out, and snake breathing: take a deep breath in then hiss the breath back out like a snake.
Sensory support –some find sensory activities can help to reduce anxiety, including jumping on a trampoline, running, squeezing a squishy ball, and using a weighted blanket.
It can be useful for your child/adolescent to identify and recognise how anxiety feels for them physically then encourage use of a grounding skill or sensory support to help relieve these sensations
Sometimes it can be easier to talk about anxiety and how it affects your child when connected to them through play (for younger children) or through an activity they enjoy (for teenagers). A relaxed, playful environment allows easier exploration of difficult feelings for the child/young person when the time is right for them.
This article was written by Elisha Minihan, Psychology Assistant with the Limerick Primary Care Child and Family Psychology Service. [...]
“Beyond the Stork and Cabbage Patch”March 14, 2024Health & WelbeingChildren start to learn about their bodies as soon as they are born. Babies learn about themselves through touch and by watching and imitating others so cuddles, hugs and kisses from their parents and family are essential. It is important that they see affectionate behaviour between family members as well.
Babies begin exploring their bodies from an early age–busy fingers find toes, ears, hair, noses and genitalia. If you find watching your child discovering his penis or her vagina embarrassing, gently direct those curious fingers to another area of the body or a favourite toy. Try not to show any signs of disapproval or disgust. If they get the message that this activity is wrong, they may feel guilty and try to hide it. Nature doesn’t stop the impulse of discovery just because we say it is unacceptable.
At three to four years old, children become aware of the differences between boys and girls. They may like to peep under each other’s clothing, check out what pet’s body parts look like or play mummies and daddies. These behaviours are pure curiosity and have nothing to do with sexual behaviour. A negative reaction at this time can cause a dislike of their bodies, fear of their feelings, and feelings of guilt or shame. Again, if these behaviours embarrass you, distract positively into another game or activity.
Now come the questions: “Where do babies come from?” “Can men have babies?” “How do babies get in?” Try to respond to these initially by asking the child the same question back to see they think. The response can give you an indication of the information your child is seeking. Keep your answers simple. For example, “You were made in your Mummy’s tummy and grew in there until it was time to be born”.
A calm matter of fact approach is essential; this encourages the child to feel safe and confident talking to you. There are many story books available for young children that introduce topics of reproduction, sex, love, babies etc. in an accessible way. Some favourites are Mommy Laid an Egg by Babette Cole and Where Willie Went by Nicholas Allen. www.sexualwellbeing.ie also have some useful age-appropriate stories for parents to read to their children. Check out your local library to see what they have available. The simple information can be a useful guide to keep our information simple and clear. Remember- before long your children will grow and their need for accurate, honest information will grow, too.
This article was contributed by a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Caring for Unwell People, Big and SmallMarch 7, 2024Health & Welbeing / Homepage DisplayIt started at 5am on Monday with ‘I feel very hot’. The feverish 9 year-old was given Calpol, a hug and brought back to bed, while the toddler decided it was obviously getting up time. Fast forward a couple of very busy days in work and we end up in a late-night, walk-in clinic where the doctor informs me that the little guy has a strep throat and is ‘inevitably in a lot of pain’. Once he was dosed up and safely ensconced in bed, I spent the night berating myself for not paying enough attention, for being a working parent and for just about everything else I wasn’t doing as a parent. Somewhere around dawn, I had an epiphany – children get sick, it happens. The important thing is to nurse them and to mind ourselves as parents in the process. In a nutshell, less guilt and more self care.
Being up over a few nights with a sick child can have the same affect as jet-lag, minus the cocktails and sunshine. Your heart goes out to them because you can’t make them feel instantly better with a hug and the regular household routine goes out the window. Who feels like cooking when appetites are dwindling so while the cooker is on strike, the washing machine is working over-time. Towels and bed clothes go on hot washes while you dream about throwing yourself into a hot shower. The thing is, all of those things can wait. Focus on yourself and your child and, I promise, the world won’t end.
Your child is probably lethargic from being unwell so take every opportunity to just snuggle together – in bed, on the couch while watching movies, anywhere that works. They need the attention (because illness makes us all needy) and you need the down-time. Stock up on smoothies and frozen ice pops to soothe sore throats and ensure hydration. In between doses of medicine, they can also feel like a much-needed little treat. Whether your child is 2 or 12, being unwell can make them clingy and a little demanding but try to respond without smothering. Remember, even babies can pick up on parental stress so try to keep calm. While your inside voice may be screaming ‘yes love, I would love to run downstairs to get you ANOTHER glass of water’, the voice they hear needs to be soothing and reassuring.
Remember, children get sick, it happens.
This article was contributed by a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Getting Ready for Baby-Especially for DadsMarch 7, 2024PregnancyWhile women take the main stage in actually having the baby, the role of fathers-to- be is essential. Below are some tips to consider before the big day.
Listen. Before labour commences, have a conversation with your partner about what kind of support she wants. Some women may want lots back-stroking; others want a more hands off approach. Remember, a woman reserves the right to change her mind!
Acknowledge and Express Your Own Feelings. Having a new baby is a life-changing event for both mothers and fathers, and you will have some big (sometimes scary!) feelings. Talk to your partner, a family member or friend about what you are feeling.
Take Care of the Practical Bits. This could be anything from emergency food runs to manning the text messages after baby is born.
Stay Calm. Step outside for a quick walk, practice some pregnancy breathing or ring a friend if you are starting to feel overwhelmed. Your partner will need you to be calm before and during labour.
Enjoy and Cuddle Your New Baby! Enjoy those amazing first moments and make sure you get lots of skin-to-skin cuddles—it will be the start of one of the most amazing relationships of your life.
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Teaching Children About ConsentFebruary 29, 2024Homepage Display / Middle Childhood / TeenagersTeaching Children About Consent Because No Means NO’:
Numerous studies have shown the benefits of parents and children talking about consent throughout childhood and adolescence. For babies and young toddlers, consent can be grasped through body language. Think, for example, of how we expect babies to kiss friends and relatives. Even when the baby recoils we generally tend to persist, lean them in towards whoever is leaving and instruct ‘come on now, give Granny a big kiss’. While babies are usually tactile and open to big displays of affection, they are also able to let us know when they don’t want that affection. They can turn into us or turn their face away from Granny, which indicates to us that they don’t want to kiss her. What is important is how we react to that. Instead of persisting, try something along the lines of ‘that’s OK, let’s just give Granny a big wave goodbye instead’. What you are doing is acknowledging your baby’s wishes and respecting them. You are giving her a voice before she ever has one but also role modelling consent before she understands what it is.
For older toddlers and young children, rough-housing and typical play can be used to explain consent. Older siblings, for example, often like to tickle smaller children. While this is initially met with fits of giggles, after a while you will generally observe the smaller child saying ‘stop it’, but still laughing. This presents a great teachable moment. If one child persists with tickling, intervene and come to their level: ‘Josh has asked you to stop tickling him so you need to stop pet. Of course you can tickle your brother but the second he says stop, you have to stop, ok?’ In a few short sentences you have used the word ‘stop’ repeatedly, which will help both children involved to learn about actions and reactions.
With teenagers, the issue of consent should accompany any and all discussions around the facts of life. While we are teaching them about the biology of sex, we also need to teach them the psychology of it. We should instil in every adolescent boy and girl that consent is a conversation between two people. It isn’t something open to interpretation or something that changes when other factors (such as alcohol, peer influence etc.) are involved. By doing so, we are teaching them about personal responsibilities and boundaries.
As your children get older, you don’t have the full view of their lives as you did when they were smaller. By continuously talking to them and letting them know that you are there for them, you are supporting them on their future paths. By keeping the topic of consent open and ongoing, you are putting safety rails on those paths.
This article was contributed by a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Enjoying Longer EveningsFebruary 29, 2024Homepage Display / Quality TimeThe much awaited ‘stretch in the evenings’ is slowly arriving so it’s time to top up those Vitamin D levels:
Make going outside as much of a planned activity as any extracurricular activity. Whether it’s a walk around the neighbourhood, a cycle or a family effort at getting the garden back in shape, try to fit it in daily with your child
For younger children in particular, they can now get outside before bed which makes it exciting. Capitalise on that excitement by setting up little treasure hunts or looking for small bugs. Puddle-jumping and leaf picking are toddler areas of expertise!
Bear in mind the balance between directed and free play – follow your child’s lead. You may have to hold caterpillars or give names to cars but you’ll find a new appreciation for being outside when you see it through your child’s eyes
Play nature ‘I spy’ while walking and you’ll be amazed at how far you get
Leave phones behind so that you can really enjoy each other’s company and connect with being outdoors
Watching the sun going down or the moon rising never loses its appeal and provides a great opportunity to talk about the solar system
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Top tips for supporting a child who has experienced trauma:February 22, 2024Health & Welbeing / Homepage Display.Validate your child’s feelings, let them know that feeling scared / sad / angry is normal and ok
· Create a routine for them, it can help to provide a sense of safety and security, Stick to their normal routines as much as possible
· Spend time with your child, encourage play and recreation
· Encourage communication – allow them to talk about their experiences and feelings, listen to what they have to say and answer their questions honestly but in a way that is appropriate for their age and understanding.
· Maintain your own calm! Children look to adults for reassurance and guidance. Don’t discuss your own fears and anxieties with the child.
· Help your child to relax with breathing exercises. Breathing becomes shallow when the child becomes anxious. Encourage deep belly breaths. Place a stuffed toy on their tummy when they lie down. They can watch the toy rise and fall as they breathe in and out!
· Promote resilience by helping your child to learn new things, practicing positive self-talk with them, and praising their efforts
· Finally, take care of yourself! You can best help your child when you are feeling ok yourself! [...]
Trauma: Supporting your ChildFebruary 22, 2024Health & Welbeing / Homepage DisplayTrauma can occur when a child experiences an event or ongoing situation that is very distressing or frightening. ‘Big T’ traumas involve life-threatening events and include exposure to domestic violence or war, and experiences of neglect, abuse, or being bullied. ‘Little t’ traumas encompass traumatic events that are not life-threatening but create significant distress. Examples include exposure to frequent arguments in the home and ‘failing’ to live up to the standards of parents.
A child’s age and stage of development, the nature and frequency of traumatic events, and the availability of caregiver support can affect how a child experiences and later copes with trauma. Understanding the brain-body connection is essential before attempting to offer support to children who have experienced trauma.
The brain is composed of three main parts. The brainstem is responsible for vital bodily functions like breathing and heart rate. The limbic system recognizes threats and automatically activates a trauma response to keep the child safe. These two parts make up the emotional brain. The cortical or thinking brain is the site of logic, reasoning, and control. It shuts down when the emotional brain detects danger.
The four main trauma responses are fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. These responses are very helpful when a child is in danger (e.g., avoiding a threatening adult) but they are unhelpful in safe situations (e.g., withdrawing from a caregiver when there is no threat or danger). Children who have experienced trauma cannot control how they behave when their brain perceives danger. Behaviours such as crying, lashing out, or avoiding situations are a child’s way of communicating the need for physical and emotional safety. These behaviours are just the ‘tip of the iceberg’ and are triggered by big feelings ‘under the surface’ that children have not learned to manage.
Trauma responses can impact children’s relationships as they might withdraw from, or lash out at, others. Children who have experienced trauma can experience sensory overload and might refuse physical touch or appear jumpy even when they are safe. They may have difficulty understanding, expressing and managing their feelings. Trauma can cause attention difficulties in school as the emotional brain is using all the available resources trying to keep the child safe. Unresolved trauma can also influence how a child sees themselves in the long term, as they come to believe their emotions are ‘too much’ or they are ‘not good enough’ for others.
To support the development of children who have experienced trauma, it is important to create a safe environment, develop a trusting relationship, teach the child strategies for managing big emotions, and help them to build resilience. Caregivers often have questions about how to best support a child who has experienced trauma.
This article was contributed by Shauna Hill from the Primary Care Child and Family Psychology Service. The service is part of Parenting Limerick. [...]
The Power of PraiseFebruary 15, 2024Health & Welbeing / Homepage DisplayThe basic building block in positive parenting is having a strong, nurturing relationship with your child. While this seems pretty simple, it can easily get lost amidst the morning rush to school, the growing mountains of laundry, the juggling of schedules and, of course, the constant pushing of boundaries. While we know that it is normal for children at each stage of development to push boundaries and challenge their parents (everything from a toddler insisting on wearing a swimsuit rather than a winter coat; a six year old telling lies; a teenager staying out past the agreed time to return home), it can often create stress and strain in the family. If allowed to build up, everyone in the family can start to resent each other and lose sight of the fact that they really love and value one another.
One of the best ways to step back from the strain and reconnect with your child is to make sure that you praise them daily. It is important that everyone in your family (including you!) knows that they are valued and loved and that they have a special, secure place in the family.
There are a few practical ways to do this:
Notice what is good about each member of your family
Give specific compliments on this daily
Encourage all members of the family to do this for each other
Try to ignore annoying behavior and to constantly find fault (Try to pick your battles and let the little things go)
Giving regular, specific compliments to your child will help them see themselves as valuable and will help you all appreciate each other as a family.
Sometimes it can be difficult to find right the words to give compliments—You can try something like “Thanks for trying so hard on…” or “I appreciate you being (so thoughtful, honest, persistent, kind, etc.) or “You’ve made real progress on…” Be as specific as possible. If you say something like, “Well done”; follow up with something concrete, like “I’m really pleased that you are trying so hard with your maths homework.” If you say, “Great Job”, follow up with “You showed a lot of creativity with the painting.”
Remember: “Noticing and complimenting the good increases my appreciation for family members and helps them behave better.”
Strengthening Families Programme Tips Sheet www.sfpcouncilireland.ie/strengthening-families/ [...]
Supporting Families Online: #TalkListenLearnFebruary 1, 2024Home Life / Homepage DisplayNext Tuesday, 6th February, is Safer Internet Day 2024. The online world is an important part of life for children and young people. Having regular and open conversations with them about their lives online is vital to ensuring that they have a safe and positive experience. With Safer Internet Day coming up, it’s an ideal time to check in with your teen, but for many parents it can be difficult to know where to start or how to begin the conversation.
Nobody understands the online world of children and teenagers better than their fellow young people! Based on their own online experiences, these Talking Points have been co-created by Irish teenagers to help parents approach the conversation in a way that will encourage your child or teen to open up about their life online!
The conversation starters will help you to get a better understanding of what your child is doing online, why, and how you can support them. Talking to them about their life online, just as you would about their offline life, will make it more likely that they will feel comfortable coming to you if they encounter anything that bothers them online.
Below are some talking points for parents created by Irish Teens to help you talk with confidence to your Teen about their life online:
1. Who is your favourite influencer on social media or what is your favourite online game?
Starting off with an easier question about what they like online will make your children or teenager feel comfortable and can be used as a springboard to a deeper conversation.
What did you think of the recent story about [sports team/celebrity/influencer that your teenager is interested in] ? Talking about recent news events or trending topics online can be a natural way of easing into a conversation with your teenager and finding common ground.
Can you show me how your favourite app/game works?
Showing an interest in what your child or teenager likes to do online will encourage them to be more open with you, and will help you learn and have a better understanding of what they like to do online.
How do you stay connected with your friends online?
The social aspect of being online is very important to young people. It allows them to stay connected with their friends, and also to connect with communities with shared interests right around the world. This will help you to understand the social element for your child, and to be able to support them to have a safe and positive experience.
What rules do you think we should have in place about using the internet.
It is helpful for families to have rules around internet use and guidelines around expected behaviour online. By allowing your teen to have a say in developing rules this can lead to a better understanding and acceptance of guidelines. It’s always helpful to revisit rules.
#TalkListenLearn
For Safer Internet Day 2024 Webwise is encouraging families to #TalkListenLearn. A great starting point is the Webwise Parents Hub (webwise.ie/parents) where you’ll find the new Parents Guide to a Better internet resource and lots more helpful tips and advice. Webwise are also encouraging families to have a chat using the topic generator – a helpful tool generator to begin open conversations free from judgement or criticism. Available here: https://talklistenlearn.webwise.ie
Webwise Parents Online Safety Checklist
GET INFORMED
Get started by visiting webwise.ie/parents. You’ll find expert advice, how to guides, explainers and helpful talking points for parents.
HAVE THE CHAT
Have regular conversations with your child on the important things to look out for online and any potential risks.
AGREE RULES
Agree on a clear set of rules in your home about internet use and around screentime. Remember the importance of a healthy balance!
ASK FOR HELP
Reassure your child that they can always come talk to you about anything that comes up online.
LEAD BY EXAMPLE
Do as you say! Modelling behaviour is the most powerful way you can influence your child’s behaviour!
JOIN IN!
The internet is a great resource for children! Play your child’s favourite computer game and discover the online world together.
Visit the Webwise.ie/Parents Hub for expert online safety advice, explainer guides, talking points and more.
This article was contributed by Webwise on behalf of Parenting Limerick. Parenting Limerick is a network of parenting and family support organisations. Webwise is the Irish Internet Safety Awareness Centre. Go to www.webwise.ie for more information. [...]
Grief – Supporting your ChildJanuary 25, 2024Health & Welbeing / Homepage DisplayLosing someone we love is a painful part of life. Helping our children deal with the tough feelings that come with it can be tricky. Grief is a natural response to loss in any form, not just a reaction to death. For children, grief can be felt over the death of a person or a pet, the loss of a friendship or relationship, parental separation, moving house or school, and so much more. Each child feels grief in their own way and it can change over time.
Children are naturally curious. Even before experiencing the death of a loved one, they think about death. While adults might find it hard to talk about death, children are often ready to share their thoughts. Creating a safe space for these talks allows children to express their understanding and emotions, and helps them to trust their parent. Remember, it’s okay if you don’t have all the answers. Just being there and listening is the most important thing.
There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. You might hear people talk about the ‘stages of grief’ or the ‘grief cycle.’ These are common feelings that people who are grieving might have, including feelings of shock, anger, sadness or gradual acceptance of living with the grief. Like adults, for children, the experience of grief is unique to each person. Children can go through periods of many different emotions and these can come and go over time.
Children can express grief in lots of different ways. This might depend on their age and understanding, their relationship with whom or what has been lost, the reactions of those around them, and their temperament or personality. Children might show an emotional response, such as feeling scared, worried, confused or sad. They might feel some physical things like being tired, having trouble sleeping or eating, and feeling pains for no reason. Sometimes, they might act differently, like having a hard time paying attention, not doing as well in school for a little while, forgetting things, or acting like they did when they were younger (like wetting the bed, wanting to sleep with their parent, or sucking their thumb). They might not want to be with friends or do things they used to enjoy. Be patient and allow them space to express their grief.
Tips for Parents To Support Their Grieving Child
Communicate in a clear and age-appropriate way
It’s natural to want to protect our children from loss and upset, but a lack of clear communication can cause confusion. Using clear and age-appropriate language is important. Explaining simply what has happened and using clear language, such as ‘death’ or ‘dead’, helps prevent confusion and stops children from making up their own explanations or blaming themselves for the death.
Emotional Support
Children will often seek increased connection with their parents when going through a difficult time. Remember, there’s no right way to grieve. Let your child know that it is okay to feel lots of different things and create a safe space for them to share these feelings with you. Listen to them and provide comfort.
Prepare your child for events and changes
It’s important to prepare your child for any changes that will happen following a death. If children are going to be joining in rituals, such as funerals or celebrations of life, let them know what to expect and what will happen. Routines provide a sense of safety for children. Where possible, try to keep routines such as bedtime, mealtimes, and going to school. Support them to continue the activities they enjoy.
Remember the loss
Keep the memory of your child’s loved one alive through activities like writing letters, looking at photos, drawing pictures, or sharing memories. These activities help express grief and maintain a connection with the person who is no longer there.
This article was contributed by the Primacy Care Child and Family Psychology Service, a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Top Tips for Cooking with KidsJanuary 18, 2024Home Life / Homepage DisplayCooking offers children a variety of learning experiences. It’s a practical way to teach kids basic life skills. Time spent together in the kitchen also encourages interaction and communication between you and your child.
Choose a time that suits you and your child. Over the weekend or during holidays usually works best.
Be prepared; before you get started take time to read the recipe yourself and get all the necessary ingredients. Preparation is key.
Save time by weighing/chopping ingredients in advance.
Start small and keep it fun, children may lose interest quickly.
Choose the right tasks for the right age group. For younger children start with basic recipes and manageable tasks.
Allow mistakes and exercise patience. Prepare for a little extra mess.
Praising children boosts their confidence. Emphasise positive, specific things they are doing. “You’re doing a great job stirring that sauce” “Wow you’re so good at measuring out the flour”.
Offer guidance and help rather than taking over the task. “Would you like me to help you with this?”
Even when the end results are not what you expected, praise their efforts and tuck in with gusto!
[...]
Separation and Divorce…Positive ways to reduce the impact on childrenJanuary 18, 2024Home LifeThe separation or divorce of parents may mean dramatic family changes for children. One parent may depart the family home; routines may be disrupted. It may mean moving house and having to adjust to a new school and new friends.
Separation/divorce can also be a time of stress, uncertainty and conflict for parents. They may be feeling loss, grief, anger, depression and guilt. In addition to these negative emotions, there may be feelings of hope and relief if the relationship was difficult.
We know from research that separation/divorce, when not full of conflict actually has a limited impact on children. It is in fact the conflict, rather than the separation, that causes the most harmful outcomes.
Children often worry after a separation for themselves and their parents. Worries like ‘Will my mom and dad be ok?’ ‘Will I be able to see my mom/dad?’, ‘Will they be lonely?’, and ‘Was it my fault?’
Children may also feel anger, towards both parents… ‘Why did they let this happen?’ and perhaps at themselves, ‘Why could I not behave?’ ‘If I had behaved ‘better’ this wouldn’t have happened.’ Children often feel sad that their family is now changed forever.
What children need
Children thrive best in secure, affectionate environments. This means loving and attentive parents who put the needs of their child first, support the child through their feelings of sadness and anger and support their child to have a good relationship with the other parent.
What you can do
Reassure your child…let them know they will always be loved by both parents and that it’s not their fault
Keep life changes to a minimum…try to keep routines the same
Talk and actively listen to your child…give them clear explanations that are appropriate for their age about what’s going on and listen to what they need to say
Maintain your child’s support network…let them see family and friends as much as possible
Try not to over compensate even if you feel guilty…children still need boundaries and consequences to feel safe. Instead of buying treats or toys, remember quality time with your child will provide far more reassurance
Seek additional support. Let all significant adults (teachers, child minders, family members, trusted friends) know about the family changes so that they can be supportive for you and your child. Check if a peer support group, such as ‘Rainbows’ is available and make sure that you get support for yourself as well. [...]
A callout to dads!January 6, 2024Home Life / Homepage DisplayWhen looking at our family and working arrangements, my wife and I decided upon the ‘stay at home dad’ route with my wife as the primary earner. Being at home with the children was a very rewarding time, whilst also being a very challenging one. Caring for your children can be a rollercoaster of emotions. I can see the nodding heads. My understanding of my mother’s life also deepened.
During this time at home, I discovered Parent and Toddler Groups and parenting programmes. I attended the groups weekly; workshops as they arose; and parenting programmes when I could. As a father, I found it challenging to enter into a space that was occupied, for the most part, by moms. Despite the cultural changes regarding parenting, these spaces were predominately female. Yet they were welcoming and supportive spaces. Having a place to go, where I could mix with other adults in between the cooking, cleaning, washing, changing nappies, dressing, playing, toilet training and feeding the kids, was a life changer.
Parent and Toddler groups gave my children an opportunity to socialise with other children. Significantly, it carved out time for me to play with them without the distractions of housework while also having adult conversations with other parents. The parenting programmes gave me a space to discuss parenting in a supportive space. I think there is a perception that a parenting programme is for when there is a behavioural problem. While programmes can, and do, address behavioural issues, they are, for the most part, about supporting parents to develop their parenting skills. After all, no one is a ready-made parent; a lot of the learning is experiential, and parent programmes support that.
Eleven years on, with the kids in school, I’m back at work as a Family Support Worker! It’s noticeable that it can still be challenging for fathers to attend the groups and programmes. So, this is my attempt to call out to the Dads of Limerick. Come to these parenting spaces. I can personally, and professionally, vouch to their benefit for both parents and children. Dads get to explore their own parenting in a supportive way. In particular, parenting programmes support and benefit the parent/child relationship. Also, children (both girls and boys) who experience men in traditionally female spaces benefit. They are exposed to men and women in caring roles breaking down barriers for the Dads of the future and promoting gender equality for both sexes. If nothing else, you’ll have a cup of coffee, a scone and a chat!
For more information on Parent and Toddler groups in Limerick, go to www.loveparenting.ie/baby-toddler-groups .
This article was contributed Pat Fitzpatrick, Family Support Worker with Northside FRC on behalf of Parenting Limerick.
[...]
New Year, New ResolveDecember 27, 2023Home LifeParenting is a merry-go-round. There are days when you feel your heart might just burst with love for your children and there are days where you would give anything to just have them out of your hair for a few precious hours. You watch them while they sleep, all soft breaths and angelic faces. Then they wake up, refuse to have breakfast, and hold a mammoth melt-down until just the right time…..to make you late for work. The thing about parenting is that we can’t – nor should be feel obliged to pretend to be – all singing, all dancing, all of the time. It’s a job (without the lunch breaks or holidays!) and like all jobs, there are ups and downs. The secret is to accept that fact and embrace it, and life becomes much easier.
Blogs, magazines and most advertising mediums sell parenting as this idyllic role. There’s the spotless house, the Pinterest playroom and the family who just love gathering around the fire for board games (wearing perfectly curated outfits, of course). Yes these things are real but for a moment in time – a fleeting moment that is captured and posted and then we use it as the stick to beat ourselves with. Oh, I should be crafting all of our holiday decorations, while stuffing a Turkey Nigella-style and still finding time to help the kids to make cakes for a charity bake sale they want to have in the front garden. Really? No! I should be giving myself a break, a slap on the back for organising another lovely family Christmas. I want to start this New Year less stressed, so that the time I spend with my children – however limited it can sometimes be – is quality time. Goodbye to the parenting performance and hello to being present with my children.
Being present is about taking a genuine interest in what your child is doing. It’s about surrendering to their world every now and then, whether you have to take your seat at (another) tea party with teddies or listen to your teenager’s latest Spotify list. Its’s about hearing what they say, rather than throwing in the token ‘oh really’, while loading the washing machine and avoiding your mother-in-law’s calls. Children, regardless of their age, are incredibly perceptive. They recognise when they have your full attention and respond accordingly. Make this the year of present parenting and you’ll be giving your child and yourself the most important gift. [...]
Holiday Temper tantrumsDecember 23, 2023Home Life / Homepage DisplayOver the holiday period cabin fever is inevitable. For our smallies, changes in routine, later bedtimes and a massive influx in sugar can led some massive temper tantrums.
Keep how you react in a certain situation the same once you have found a positive system that works
We all learn by repetition. You will have to repeat what you do many times before your child begins to understand this is how you react and how we should react generally
Prevention is better than cure: Know your toddler. While it is important for each child to face challenges, know your child’s limits, look for and be aware of triggers
Create diversions. Distraction is a parent’s most used tool!
Choose your battles – Ignore minor issues
Say No and mean it. Don’t reward the tantrum because you don’t like seeing your child upset
Don’t worry about embarrassment – Know that any parent that sees you with a toddler having a tantrum will empathise because we have all been there!
Finally, parents need to remember that we are not infallible. We will make mistakes, but we will learn from them too. And once we can display a positive reaction to any situation, our children will learn this skill too. [...]
Positive Parenting Over the HolidaysDecember 23, 2023Home Life / Homepage DisplayWe can all appreciate the joys of Christmas, but we can also envision the stresses that come with this wonderful festival. During the Christmas holidays, it is easy to get caught up in the demands and expectations that our family can put on us as parents. We may maintain traditions from our own family, but it’s also nice to create new traditions and customs with our children with their input–perhaps a particular movie on Christmas Eve or the goodies that are left for the all-important visitor.
It is important to remember that Christmas is a time to unwind not to get wound up. In the run up to Christmas and over the holidays it is important to bear in mind how we approach spending all this extra time with our loved ones. Christmas can be a time of year where we really practice our negotiation and reconciliation skills, but preparation is key.
Remember to stay calm, “Press the Pause Button” when arguments brew between siblings and try pre-empting and defusing situations before they escalate. The television remote control can be a source of much arguing so perhaps set some ground rules around argument “hot spots” such as this.
Budget and plan your holidays. Involve the whole family in planning family outings and check out christmas.limerick.ie for free/low cost family events. Look for support from your family and friends and plan visits and activities that could alleviate some of pressures and stresses of parenting over the holidays.
While its lovely to have a duvet day and watch the Christmas classics back to back, try to get out-and-about for fresh air and long walks. Everyone will feel better for it! Parents unwind, children burn off some energy and everyone sleeps better. Offer choices to the children as to where they would like to go and how they would like to spend their afternoon outside.
Christmas is always a time of indulgence but remember “everything in moderation” when it comes to our food and sugar intake, especially with our little ones. Tummy aches are not desirable by anyone! Be sure to make yourself aware of the opening dates and times of your local GP and have the contact number for the out of hours services at hand over the festive period. It’s also good to know which chemist is open if you need medicines for family members.
While is nice to leave the kids extend their bedtime, be mindful of the importance of keeping to household routines to insure they can be easily reintroduced when going back to school or creche.
As the song goes, “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” so above all, Enjoy Family Time.
This article was contributed by a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
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