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Supporting Reluctant TalkersOctober 3, 2024Communication / Homepage DisplayWe can all be reluctant to speak at times, whether it be due to shyness, a lack of confidence, fear of making a mistake, or a speech and language difficulty – and children are no different. A common example of this is how many children tend to be quiet when they first start school. This new environment may make them nervous, or even overwhelmed at first, but with gentle support, many, if not most of these children will be talking within a few weeks.
As a parent ‘tuning in’ to what your child is feeling (i.e. putting yourself in their shoes), acknowledging their feelings and re-assuring them can be helpful. For example “I can see that talking is difficult for you right now. I’m not worried about this as I know that you will talk when you are ready to do so”. It’s important not to put any pressure on children to speak in situations where talking might be difficult. They will talk when they are ready if no pressure is placed on them. It is important to listen to, validate and normalise their feelings. You can explain that some things are difficult for you to do also but that these get easier with time and practice e.g. ‘You feel worried because it’s your first time doing this. When I was your age I was scared when I went to my first play date but when I gave it a go it was easier the next time”.
It is worth noting that children may be particularly reluctant to speak if they are learning a new language. So long as they continue to talk freely to family members in their native language within earshot of other people, laugh or cry out loud, and use gestures such as pointing, to communicate, there is usually no concern. This ‘silent period’ can last anything from a number of weeks to months, while the child gains confidence in speaking the new language.
In some cases, children’s difficulty talking is due to as significant anxiety. This is known as Selective Mutism. Selective mutism can be categorised by intense, prolonged and consistent feelings of fear towards the physical act of talking. Children with Selective Mutism want to talk but cannot because the simple act of talking creates a sense of panic. This is different to children who may be reluctant to talk due to reasons such as a lack of interest in communicating, being overwhelmed, shyness, or being embarrassed about their speech. This is different to the ‘silent period’ when learning a new language.
Selective Mutism is a consistent failure to speak in specific social situations where speaking is expected despite speaking in other situations. For example, a child may be unable to speak in the school setting. Children with Selective Mutism will suddenly stop talking, start to whisper or physically freeze when they get close to other people they are not comfortable around. They may describe a feeling of a blockage in their throat as their muscles tense up preventing them from talking, laughing or crying out loud. They may wish to speak but are physically unable. If a child presenting with selective mutism, support may be required from health care professionals to help them to overcome it.
Top Tips to reduce your child’s anxiety and encourage talking
Below are some strategies which can be used to reduce your child’s anxiety and encourage talking:
Reduce pressure to talk: Reassure your child that they don’t need to speak until they’re ready, e.g., “It’s okay you don’t have to talk at Mammy’s friend’s house.”
Focus on capabilities: Encourage participation by highlighting what your child can do, e.g., “You can help me set up the game.”
Talk positively about mistakes: Emphasize that mistakes are part of learning, encouraging practice and resilience, e.g., “It’s great that you’re trying; mistakes help us improve.”
Avoid open-ended questions: Use yes/no or choice questions to reduce pressure, e.g., “Did Billy come to school?” or “Did you play football or tag?”
Use comments for opportunities: Make statements that invite response without pressure, e.g., “That’s a nice tower you’re building,” or rhetorical questions like “That’s a fun game, isn’t it?”
Encourage speaking opportunities: Pose questions that prompt your child to speak, e.g., “I wonder where that piece of jigsaw goes?”
Normalize speaking: Treat speaking as a normal occurrence when it happens and don’t bring too much attention to it.
Smile reassuringly: Maintain a positive demeanour; if others question your child’s silence, respond with supportive language, e.g., “She’s just listening today.”
Acknowledge difficulties: Let your child know you understand that talking can be challenging and that they can speak when they feel ready.
Share these tips with family, friends and teachers so that everyone is using the same strategies.
This article was contributed by the Primacy Care Child and Family Psychology Service, a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Encouragement versus PraiseSeptember 30, 2024Home Life / Homepage DisplayIn most parenting literature today, you will find the words ‘encouragement’ and ‘praise’ together, as if they were the same thing. Rudolf Dreikurs, a pioneer of democratic parenting, says they are not. It is an area of parenting that is worth some reflection.
Encouragement is about creating ‘courage’. It also creates self-belief and allows others to see their own strengths. This in turn leads to high self-esteem – the ability to believe that we have what it takes to achieve what we want.
We know from experience the results of encouraging children to try something. When we say things like, “Go ahead, give it a go” and the child gives it a go, we say “Well done, at least you tried it”. The result doesn’t matter – it is the effort that is being recognised. This is the crucial difference between encouragement and praise.
Praise, on the other hand, is intended to raise self-esteem but often has the opposite effect. Praise can create ‘praise junkies’, that is, children who depend on other people to feel good about themselves. Without praise, a child might think they are not good enough.
There can be unintended results from some forms of praise that can have far reaching effects on confidence and self-esteem. The type of praise that can create problems is evaluative praise, that which evaluates a person, or a child.
Praise is often given from ‘one who knows’ to ‘one who doesn’t know’, e.g., “you set the table very nicely” (judging the way it was done = praise) instead of “I saw how careful you were with the glasses” or “thanks for your help” (observing the effort = encouragement). Praise comes from the superior position of a parent or a teacher, to what is seen as an inferior one, of child or pupil. Praise often judges a successful result but can miss the effort that was put in.
When we praise, it is our thoughts and opinions we are giving. When we encourage, we are motivating others to think for themselves and to approve of themselves, not depending on others for approval.
Encouragement accepts imperfections and likes people to keep trying.
Encouragement puts the courage into children to just try, because it only focusses on effort. It accepts the child as they are. Encouragement allows for mistakes as part of the learning. It also knows that a child wants to belong and be accepted into society, that as parents we do not need to make them comply. Simply by using encouragement, and other positive parenting techniques children will adapt and conform because it is in their own interest.
Top Tips: Differences between encouragement and praise
Encouragement
An attitude of belief in the child: “I believe in you. I believe you can do it”
Addresses the effort: “Well done, good effort”
Emphasizes effort and improvement: “I saw how careful you were doing that job!”
May be given during a task: “I see you are trying your best!”
Shows acceptance: “Thank You!”
Fosters independence: “You tried, and that is fine!”
Allows self-evaluation: “What do you think?”
Creates self-esteem and self-confidence: “How do you think it went?” “Are you happy with how you did?”
Evaluative Praise
A verbal reward for the child: “You are a great boy, you did it!”
Centred on the person: “Good Girl for doing that”
Creates superior/inferior mentality: “You are the best!”
Job must be well done/completed: “Perfect!” “You did it!”
Is judgmental: “It’s spotless!”
Fosters dependence: “You did a good job but it could be better. Here, I’ll show you!”
Emphasizes other people’s opinions: “I think you are right/wrong”
Develops self-consciousness and dependence on other’s opinion: “What do other people think of me?”
This article was contributed by Ballyhoura Development, a member of Parenting Limerick. Parenting Limerick is a network of parenting and family support organisations. For more information on this and other topics go to www.loveparenting.ie. [...]
National Breastfeeding Week: The Importance of Supportive PartnersSeptember 30, 2024Homepage Display / Infants & BabiesThe benefits of breastfeeding are both immediate and lifelong – it provides on-tap nutrition as and when baby needs it and creates the building blocks of brain development and immunity that will carry your child through life. The fact that something is natural doesn’t mean that it comes naturally or is easy and breastfeeding is no exception. It takes practice and persistence and, more importantly, it takes support. If your partner, friend or relative is breastfeeding, there are a few things that you can do to make things a little easier for her. Some of these tips are also worth bearing in mind when you’re sitting beside a breast-feeding mom in a café. Sometimes all she might need is an understanding smile or a nod (rather than the downcast eye because you think looking in her direction could be perceived as creepy or rude!).
It’s worth having a discussion before the baby arrives about what the expectations are. If your partner intends to breastfeed, she will be doing all the night feeds to begin with so talk about what you can do. By bathing baby every evening, for example, you will have some one-on-one time with them and your partner can take a nap. Plans made in advance usually run more smoothly than those made during periods of major changes and sleep deprivation! After baby has fed, if he needs to be winded or changed, that could be where you offer to step in. Never under-estimate the value of doing what seems like a mundane task or enabling your partner to have free hands, even if only for a few minutes. Acknowledge that it’s a tough job but she’s doing it brilliantly. It may seem like a moot point but when you’re bleary-eyed from tiredness and your body feels like it belongs to someone else, the smallest amount of praise can really spur you on.
Have a think about the physical things you can stay on top of for your partner or friend too. Keep her topped up with fresh water (think hangover thirst on a hot day – that’s how much hydration a breastfeeding mom requires), healthy snacks, comfortable pillows and within reach of TV remotes, books etc. Look up what you don’t understand – a quick google search can often yield a new insight when you or your partner are feeling a little overwhelmed.
Breastfeeding might all be new to you but the payoff is tremendous so invest some time and thought into supporting its ongoing success. For quality-assured information on breastfeeding go to www.breastfeeding.ie.
Top tips for parental self care
While parenting is the most rewarding the job, inevitably there are times when you feel over-worked and under-valued. Some things to bear in mind to keep those times to a minimum:
Cut yourself some slack: Remember, the ‘perfect parent’ doesn’t exist. Be a good enough parent for your child – that’s all they need.
Don’t hold it all in: Let your partner, family or friends know when you need some help. Whether its support, advice or babysitting, ask. The fastest way to get over-whelmed is to fall into the ‘I must do it all’ mind set.
Try not to compare: This applies to yourself or your children. Yes, your colleague might have glossy hair and children who are in bed every night by 8pm but she might be exhausted and her children may refuse to eat anything that resembles a vegetable. We all have our battles.
Double up where you can: A walk by yourself gives you some head space and some cardio, elevating your mood and heart rate at the same time. That’s some TLC for your mental and physical health.
Be a great role model: Your children will only learn the value of taking personal time and space when it’s something you attach a value to. Lead the way!
This article was contributed by a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Minding our own Mental HealthSeptember 6, 2024Health & Welbeing / Homepage DisplayThe demands of day-to-day life can create stress, which in turn can lead to mental health difficulties and result in parents and carers feeling as though they are unable to cope. With the return to school looming large and the cost of living crisis hitting a lot of families hard, it is important, that we can manage how we respond to events in life.
For many parents and carers, the idea of self-care and of taking some well-deserved ‘you’ time can seem like an alien concept. Parents and carers often worry that if they take some time out for themselves they are being selfish. To the contrary, it is important that parents and carers continue to explore and engage their own passions and interests where possible. This can help to ensure your identity as an individual remains intact – and happy parents often make for happier kids.
Taking time out for yourself by choosing to, for example, go for a walk, take a bath, catch up with a friend, or pursue your interests, sends a very positive message to your child/ren about the importance of taking care of yourself. Role modelling positive self-care also demonstrates to your child a powerful strategy for managing any stress they might experience. How we react to stress will influence how our children react to stress.
We can all feel pressure at different times in our lives. Having responsibility for a child or children can present extra challenges to a parent or carer’s mental health. These challenges may include worry, fear, a lack of knowledge, a feeling of being overwhelmed, loneliness and more.
Each stage of parenting brings with it its own set of demands. When children are infants, parents and carers experience sleepless nights due to teething or any other number of issues. When children grow into teenagers and gain a degree of independence, parents and carers may experience sleepless nights until their children return from discos and late-night socialising.
Social media and how we interact with it can have a big influence on how we view ourselves. While many parents and carers find parenting blogs and social media influencers (who share their experience of parenting) beneficial, some may find themselves negatively comparing themselves and their parenting abilities. Remember that challenges associated with life and parenting can be under-represented by influencers who wish to present content which is purely positive.
It is important to know that support is available to any parent, carer or individual who may find life, or parenting, overwhelming and may experience stress, or mental health difficulties. Further support and information is available at www.yourmentalhealth.ie. If you are concerned about your mental health, contact your GP for an individual consultation.
Top Tips for Minding Your Mental Health
Get enough sleep: When we are not fully rested, it is more difficult for us to manage our emotions. Our response to daily challenges and things that would not normally annoy or irritate us could mean we find it more difficult to cope.
Eat healthily: At times of stress, we might lose our appetite while others reach for the sugary snacks. This is because stress affects our hormones and this in turn influences what we choose to eat. Try to make healthy choices and eat regularly.
Relax regularly: you may be a parent, but you are still you. Your role as a parent is just one aspect of your life. Rest and relaxation is good for the soul as well as the body. For some people, relaxing might involve taking some time out to read a book, take a bath or practice some yoga or meditation exercises
Exercise: this releases endorphins, which make us feel in better form. People who exercise regularly can experience benefits including a boost in their mood. Taking exercise can be as simple as going for a 30-minute walk.
Join a social club: Feeling connected with other people can help us to feel a sense of solidarity. Joining a club may not be for everyone. If it’s not for you, why not explore other ways to help you feel socially connected – such as meeting a friend for coffee?
Keep in touch with friends and family: there is truth in the proverb that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’. Having a friend or family member who will listen to you and support you can help you to realise that you are not alone.
This article was contributed by a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Back to School AnxietyAugust 29, 2024Back to School / Homepage DisplaySchool has been back for a couple of days now. Some children can become anxious around this time of year when they do return to school, particularly so in this post covid world. All children experience some level of anxiety. Some of the signs include agitation, restlessness, inattention or poor focus, physical symptoms like headaches or stomach aches, withdrawal, or tantrums. Sometimes, your child might even refuse to engage in an activity they once enjoyed. Our role as parents and carers is to understand this anxiety and help children to overcome it.
Why does this happen? Signals in the child’s brain perceive a threat or danger (even if there is none). Your child may be worried about changing teacher, the increased homework, or starting a new school. The body is then flooded with a stress hormone (cortisol), which causes a child to react in a certain way. The key is to regulate this part of the brain through sensory engagement, calming supports and thinking strategies.
An important way to support your child if they are feeling anxious is to ensure they feel connected and safe. Research tells us that children need 12 physical touches/connections to feel connected to a parent in one day. So give plenty of hugs and cuddles, especially before and after transitions. I highly recommend 15 minutes of un-interrupted play time with your child per day. Let the child lead, and choose the game that they want to play with you.
Think of engaging all your children’s senses. Sensory and messy play is great to help regulate your child and could also be a great activity for you both. Tactile play with slime, play dough, or messy materials can be fun. Other sensory approaches may involve using lavender oils, which can have a calming effect, or citrus smells which can help uplift, if your child tends to disassociate or withdraw.
Encourage the use of your child’s imagination by getting them to draw or role play their worry. Help them challenge the “what if’s” (your child’s worry) always come to a positive conclusion and state how as a parent you will help the child overcome the worry.
When you play together, facilitate empowerment and confidence by creating little challenges that the child can overcome, “woah, you didn’t think that you could do that and you did it!” I knew you could do it”.
Top tips for supporting anxiety in children
Children express anxiety and stress in variety of ways, from behaviour changes to bed-wetting, tantrums to withdrawal. While their expression of anxiety can be very varied, your response to it needs to be consistent:
Encourage expression: When you’re child says ‘I’m scared’ or ‘I’m worried’ try not to respond with ‘no you’re not, you’re a brave girl’ etc. Let them explain their fear/anxiety and then talk it through together.
Encourage your child to face their fears: Let them know that you will be right there by their side. If it’s a fear of the dark, hold their hand as they enter a dark room. If its separation anxiety, give then something small of yours (a photo, keyring etc.) to keep with then until you’re back. They don’t always need you, they just need reassurance that you’re coming back.
Teach them that perfection is a myth: Whether it’s colouring outside the lines or not doing too well in a game or test, always try to reiterate that everybody has strengths and weaknesses. Knowing that it’s ok to not be the best at everything is a really important life lesson for children and it builds resilience for adulthood.
Show them how to take time out: An over-scheduled child can become an anxious child. Be a role model – take breaks from your work, leave your phone on silent for set periods of time and just hang out together. Down time helps the mind and body to relax but children have to be taught to value that rather than seeing it as ‘boring’.
This article was contributed by Claudia Maloccas, Play Therapist with Hospital FRC, a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Communicating with Your Teen: Challenging BehaviourAugust 28, 2024Homepage Display / TeenagersA well known Italian proverb says ‘little children-headache; big children- heart-ache.’ To say raising teenagers can be a challenge as much of an under-statement as saying the Irish weather could be better. At the best of times parents struggle to remember what it felt like to be a teenager themselves. When you throw a teenager with challenging behaviour or attitude into the mix it’s nearly impossible to react instinctively in a way that will help the situation. Like every difficult situation in life, planning well in advance is crucial if you want to achieve a successful outcome with your teenager during times of challenging behaviour. This article will briefly look at some strategies from various parenting programmes that you can practice that in time will help to resolve challenging situations. The parenting programmes that the article will draw from are Non-Violent Resistance and Restorative Parenting.
Non-violent resistance (NVR) addresses violent, destructive and harmful behaviours in children and adolescents. The methods and ideas of non-violent direct action and resistance from Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks are used in community and family settings to help parents and carers with their parenting. NVR can help parents and carers overcome their sense of helplessness. It can help develop a support network that will stop violent and destructive behaviours both in and out of the home.
The Restorative Parenting programme looks at how parents can more effectively deal with conflict. Through exploring how they themselves respond in times of conflict they become better equipped in understanding their child’s behaviour and are more prepared to respond in a more effective and restorative way.
For the purpose of introducing these strategies let’s paint a scenario which the article will refer to in order to demonstrate each strategy more effectively. “Your fifteen year old son storms into the house, slams the front door and throws his school bag on the floor. He shouts ‘what are you looking at?’ at his younger sister and shoves her out of his way’.
Timing
The Non-Violent Resistance Parenting Programme has a great expression-‘strike when the iron is cold’. Sometimes when your teenager or even you yourself are feeling angry it is a good idea to pick a time at a later point to discuss the negative behaviour. It is not ‘giving in’ but is a tactical withdrawal. In the above situation, addressing the teen’s behaviour there and then may lead to further escalation. It may be more sensible to say “I will chat to you about this later when we are both calmer”. Saying “we” instead of “you” prevents him from becoming defensive. None of us have ever gotten calmer by somebody accusing us of not being calm! Ask yourself -Is now a good time to deal with this? Is he in the right frame of mind to listen to me? To quote another well known proverb- “Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it”.
Tone
Whether you are simply informing your teen that you will speak to him later or you want to actually deal with the issue there and then, ask yourself what tone of voice would I like him to use with me? You should then use the same tone of voice with him.
Content
What you say is as important as how you say it. Try and use “I” statements. For example ‘I feel annoyed when you slam the door and hurt your sister’. This is more effective than using “You” statements like ‘You make me so mad’. These lead to defensiveness. Also try and spell out in a clear manner what impact his behaviour (not him as a person) has on others. For example ‘Your sister feels afraid when you shout at her and shove her’. This over time helps the teen to build empathy for the impact of his behaviour on others.
What’s going on in the background?
It can be very easy to fall into the trap of reacting to the behaviour that is presented to us without taking the time to explore what’s going on behind it. The Restorative Parenting Programme suggests that we look beyond the behaviour and look at the following. What is the person actually feeling? Why are they feeling that way? Is anyone else involved? Teenagers are still developing emotionally and need your help to become emotionally mature. Anger is often the emotion they present with but is often not the real emotion they are feeling. The reason they express the real emotion as anger is that anger is a safe emotion for them to express and does not leave them feeling vulnerable. If you can explore with them what happened in the lead up to their challenging behaviour you can then assist them in naming the actual emotion they are feeling. This not only shows you care and can calm the situation but it also helps the teenager to become more emotionally intelligent.
Are you listening?
If and when your teenager starts expressing themselves ask yourself over and over again ‘am I really listening?’ All too often we are waiting for them to take a breath so we can interrupt with the ‘expert opinion’. When they take a breath-take a breath yourself. Once you are confident they have finished speaking maybe ask them if it’s okay for you to make a suggestion or give an opinion. You will be surprised how much better a teenager will react to your advice if you first ask their permission.
Prioritise behaviours to tackle
If your teenager has numerous behaviours that are frustrating or upsetting you it can be very easy to feel like a ‘nag’ all the time. Sit down and write down every behaviour that is having a negative impact on your home. Include the smallest ones (e.g.-not bringing down washing) to the most serious ones (e.g.-aggression). Pick the two that are having the most negative impact on your home and prioritise these. Either ignore or negotiate the rest of the behaviours for a period of time. When a parent is constantly ‘nagging’ a teenager about all the behaviours they switch off and don’t hear any of what you say. By prioritising the most serious behaviours for a period of time you increase the chances of them hearing and taking on board what you are saying.
Praise efforts
The famous TV Psychologist Dr. Phil often says that it takes one thousand ‘Atta boys’ to overcome one ‘you’re no good’. There is no doubt that in stressful times every parent has said hurtful things that they later regret. Teenagers can hold on to these negative hurtful comments internally and this can subconsciously fuel their future negative behaviours. Make a concerted effort to ‘catch your teenager being good’ and praise them. This may be difficult to do when you are feeling frustrated with other behaviours but it does work over time. Not only does it make it easier for them to accept criticism for negative behaviours but it also slowly chips away at their internal memory of past hurtful things that you may have said to them in anger.
Like every new skill we try and develop, the above strategies will take practice. You will absolutely get them wrong at times and revert to past negative reactions but you will learn from the mistakes and make progress in dealing with every challenging situation. It is one hundred per cent okay to go back to your teenager after you make an error in judgement and admit you could have handled the situation better but that you will try harder the next time. This is not a sign a weakness but one of strength and it teaches them that it’s okay to mess up as long as we learn from it and try harder the next time. The main thing is to persist, persist, persist. Your teenager needs to see that you are not just trying a new fad type of parenting and will revert to old ways if their behaviour does not improve. This new way of positive assertive communication is here to stay because you know that Rome was not built in a day.
If you are interested in finding out any more about either the Non-Violent Resistance or the Restorative Parenting Programmes and Strategies I would recommend the following books-1) Non-Violent Resistance-A New approach to violent and self-destructive children by Haim Omer& 2) Restorative Parenting-7 ways to transform the parent-child relationship by John Erhart. Both are available on Amazon.
Alan Quinn is the Mentoring Co-Ordinator with Le Chéile Mentoring and Youth Justice Support Services in Limerick. Le Chéile work with Young Person Probation service users and their families. As well as the core mentoring work Le Chéile run a range of parenting programmes including those mentioned in this article. www.lecheile.ie. [...]
A Parents Countdown to SchoolAugust 15, 2024Back to School / Homepage DisplayCountdown to School
Now:
Check in on how your child is feeling about school. Excited, anxious, nervous? Remember you don’t have to have all the answers. Just listen.
If you qualify, apply for back to school allowance
Buy books, uniforms and shoes and put them away safely
Begin to introduce sleep, food and daily routines. Agree this together with your children.
Encourage your child to connect in with their pals
In the two weeks before:
Continue the chat with your child about going back to school. Even little things like what they would like in their school lunches can start deeper chats
Take time out for yourself.
Get support from others if needed
Do something fun together
Put uniforms on hangers and visibly display in bedrooms
Set up school bags and agree where the school shoes/bags are kept after school
Night before:
Check that uniforms/shoes/bags are where they should be
Get children to help make their lunches
Stay calm and relax. You can do it!
Don’t forget to praise your child! [...]
Getting back into RoutinesAugust 15, 2024Back to School / Homepage DisplayThe summer months have inevitably involved letting some of our good routines slide. If you are like me your teenage children are sleeping in until all hours and are often the ones turning off the lights at an ungodly hour! Others will admit to the fridge constantly being open with a ‘help yourself if you’re hungry’ approach. For others screen time, play time, bath time and sleep time are all over the shop. BUT, the return to school is coming fast. If you are like me, this fills me with dread as I now have to address all these established habits. So what can we do?
When routines are in place children feel more secure. Parents feel calmer and more in control. By adjusting our summer routine, it will help children understand that the summer is coming to an end and help prepare them for the return of school. Easier said than done right? Where do you start?
Begin by having plan in your own head about what routines you would like to see happen. Agree this with your partner to ensure you don’t have mixed messages. Set a time to have the chat about routines with your child. Get their views on this and agree a plan together. Make sure that they understand the plan. Remember Rome wasn’t built in a day so put the plan into place gradually, making small adjustments daily. Talk to your child to see if the plan is working and make changes if they are needed.
Bedtimes will be the first on my list. It won’t be easy as it is still bright at 9pm, but It needs to be done. Start by adjusting bedtimes gradually. Two weeks before the first day of school, start to move your child’s bedtime earlier at night. Wake them a small bit earlier each morning. Continue this process every night until your child is waking at the same time that will be necessary once school starts.
Aim to create a relaxing wind-down routine. For about an hour before you want the lights turned off for the night encourage calming activities. For younger children this might be taking a bath or reading a book together. For older children this could be listening to music, taking a shower or meditation. By repeating this every night in the weeks leading up to the first day of school it will help your child to anticipate sleep time, making it easier for everyone once school starts again.
Next up, screen time. We know that less screen time before bed will improve the quality of their sleep. Yes, they love playing with their friends on line and who doesn’t enjoy a game of Mario Cart? They can still do this, but – earlier in the day. Aim for no screen time an hour before your child goes to sleep. Avoid screens in their bedroom. Watch those smart phones too. Agreeing a plan in advance on technology will prevent problems and fighting in the long run.
Last but not least mealtimes. Plan to adjust mealtimes gradually in August to match up with school lunch breaks. Chat about the importance of eating well. Encourage your child to think of food as fuel for their body. Involve them in decisions about what they eat, the weekly shop, meal planning and preparation.
So we have a plan. One day at a time and the hard work will pay off. Don’t forget that you are doing a great job in a very difficult time. Good luck!
This article was written by the Tusla Prevention, Partnership and Family Support team, a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Everyday Items for Fun and PlayAugust 3, 2024Home Life / playHave you ever noticed that when your toddler opens a gift, they sometimes toss it aside but have hours of fun playing with the cardboard box? As parents, we often overdo it when it comes to toys. We spend lots of money on the brightest, shiniest toy because we assume it is the best option. In fact, the best toy for your child is often the simplest one. The simpler the toy, the more it can stimulate your child’s imagination. Your little one can transform it into whatever they want – the possibilities are endless!
Who remembers sitting on the floor by your parent and playing with pots and pans? For many of us growing up in the 80’s, everyday household objects provided hours of endless fun. We know that when children play, they are exploring, discovering their interests and making sense of the world around them. We also know that children’s play has a positive impact on all areas of their development. It is a safe space for them to learn and practice their physical skills and abilities, language and communication skills, problem-solving, creativity and empathy.
Before rushing out to buy new toys for your baby or toddler, look around your home for safe, appropriate household objects that they could play with. Using household objects will provide lots of opportunities for your child to explore, learn and discover at very little or no cost. For example, when your baby holds a metal spoon, watch and see what happens. As they become familiar with the spoon, their curiosity becomes stimulated. They may start to move the spoon from one hand to the other. They may drop the spoon and pick it up again, taste it, use it to make noise, empty and fill with it, feed themselves and gaze into their reflection. All this exploration supports your child to figure out what this object is, what it can do, and what it can become as they play with it.
Babies are fascinated by their surroundings, especially people’s faces and bright colours. A simple light-weight colourful scarf can be used with your baby to play peek-a-boo, hiding games or in dress up. Toddlers love to play with objects that encourage problem-solving, sorting and imaginative play. Using a wooden paper towel holder with curtain rings will provide opportunities for your child to sort and arrange the rings onto the holder. This type of play will encourage development of your child’s thinking, reasoning and problem-solving skills.
There are lots of play opportunities at home for your child using objects from the home. However, remember to always supervise your child as they play. Take some time to put some items together in a basket and sit with your little one as they explore these treasures. Playing together in this way is a lovely way to connect with your child, getting to know who they are and what they like as they play.
Here are some examples of household objects your child can use in play:
Pots, pans & lids – Using pots and pans children get to explore rhythm, emptying, filling and sorting.
Metal & wooden spoons – Exploring the spoons, holding, lifting, feeding, filling.
Plastic / metal bowls – Filling, emptying, hiding, pouring, stacking.
Cloths/ scarves – Touching, wrapping, covering, hiding, peek-a-boo, dress-up.
This article was contributed by a member of ABC Start Right in PAUL Partnership. ABC Start Right is part of Parenting Limerick, a network of parenting and family support organisations.
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Resilience has an important role to play July 27, 2024Homepage Display / playResilience, or the capacity to overcome challenges in life and emerge as a stronger person as a result, is one of the most important personal resources an individual can develop over the course of their life. Building resilience can be life-changing for children in particular. Parents and carers can help to develop this resource in children throughout their developmental stages.
One approach to take is the ‘I Have, I Am, I Can’ model which can help to strengthen resilience in your children. Through this approach you can help children to identify their personal strengths (‘I am great at reading’) and the supports which they have in their lives (‘I have my teacher’ or ‘I have my best friend’) which can assist them in overcoming obstacles (‘I can pass my school test’).
Some young people who have followed the model have reported that it helped them learn how to cope, learn the importance of talking about the issues on their minds and learn to value their own significance in the world.
Ways in which you can help your child or young person when it comes to building resilience include:
Help support your child’s physical and mental wellbeing, by taking steps including eating a balanced diet and getting regular exercise, making sure your children have the time and the freedom to play indoors and outdoors, working together as a family to get along most of the time and support one another and supporting your child in school. If you have concerns about your child’s health, you should seek professional support.
Help your child to develop a strong sense of identity by valuing their unique attributes and accepting them for who they are at the present moment. Children who are comfortable with their identity ask questions and try new things. They know they can contribute to the world and make a difference.
Talk to your child about their body in an age-appropriate way to help them develop a healthy and balanced body image and feel positive about themselves. Addressing questions and topics about their growing and changing bodies and feelings directly, at an appropriate time and in an age-appropriate way, can help to avoid confusion for children.
The challenges which can face children and young people as they are growing up are many and varied. Those who find themselves in a minority, whether LGBTQI, living with a disability, living in a country other than that in which they were born, identifying with a gender other than that which they were assigned at birth, or otherwise, may find that they have to overcome additional obstacles.
As parents or carers, how we express our emotions can give an example to our children. By sharing and naming our feelings, children in turn develop the vocabulary and tools to talk about how they are feeling. If children are aware that other people can get sad or angry – and that these feelings can be expressed safely – then they are less likely to feel overwhelmed.
This article was contributed by ISPCC on behalf of Parenting Limerick. Parenting Limerick is a network of parenting and family support organisations. The ISPCC’s Childline service can be reached at 1800 66 66 66 (24 hours a day), by text to 50101 (10am – 4am every day), or online at Childline.ie (10am – 4am every day). [...]
Surviving Children’s Birthday PartiesJuly 18, 2024Home Life / Homepage DisplayIn an era where throwing children’s parties seem to have grown out of all proportion, reduce your stress level with a few handy pointers:
Keep it in perspective – yes you want to celebrate your child and ensure they have a great time, but you also don’t want them to develop unrealistic expectations about what a birthday actually is
Set a budget – let your child know that the sky isn’t the limit by helping you to prioritise what is needed and what isn’t
Have a game plan – Play, food, opening presents, games is a good sequence for a 2-3 hour party
Balance the goodies – Parties don’t have to be equated with junk food. Yes, you can offer treats but do they all need to be of the glow-in-the-dark, sugar-coated variety? Small muffins, popcorn, cordial instead of fizz, plain chocolate – you can peel it back without sacrificing the ‘treats’ element
Bring in back-up – Friends or family that are willing to help out means that there are eyes on all children (excited, sugar-fuelled children have a tendency to wander)
Set clear pick-up times – A loose ‘around 5pm’ could be interpreted as any time before 6, so be exact about times during drop-off
Provided by Maria O’Dwyer ABC Start Right [...]
Summer as a Time to Take StockJuly 18, 2024Home Life / Homepage DisplayThe summer holidays bring a change of pace that children and adults alike look forward to every year. Routines become more relaxed and schedules are looser. The great weather over the last week has added new levels of enjoyment – more trips to beaches and lakes, eating outside and seeing ice pops as almost medicinal. The only real intrusion on the longer, lazy days is the constant ‘back to school’ marketing that we’re hearing and seeing everywhere. Children are reminded that the break is temporary and parents are reminded of the financial pressures of sending children back to school.
September is often considered more popular than January for making new resolutions. With new uniforms and shiny new school bags comes the promise of a clean slate. The summer break, therefore, might be the perfect time to take the time and space to think about little changes that you can make as family ahead of the new school term.
If the morning routine in your house can be a little chaotic, for example, think about how you might change it. Experiment during the holidays with things that might make it run more swiftly. Maybe try getting up 15 minutes earlier or teach older children how to prepare and pack their lunch the night before. They will learn new life skills and you’ll free up some precious time in the morning for the usual last-minute tasks, like locating missing school bags.
Downtime over the summer is also a great time to support or encourage activities with your children that will benefit them later on. For younger children who are starting school for the first time in September, you could practice the route to school together so that it becomes familiar to them. For children who find reading homework challenging, take trips to the local bookshop or library and find books that suit their interests. When they can read in their own time and at their own pace, they are more likely to enjoy it. Swimming in school can be a little daunting so use the summer to visit the pool that your child’s school uses. As well as enjoying a swim together, your child will know how the lockers work and where the showers are before they go with school. This familiarity can remove a lot of stress ahead of starting a new school activity.
Once the term starts things get busy and we tend to just do things the way we always have. With a little practice and a few trial runs over the summer holidays, you’ll see that small tweaks can lead to big changes. Parenting can be tough so anything that lightens the load is always good!
This article was contributed by a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Setting and Maintaining Boundaries:July 4, 2024Home Life / Homepage DisplayBoundaries for children: Children are more likely to feel more secure and to behave better when they experience consistency and routine. As the summer holidays kick in and school time routine goes out the window, this is a timely topic for many parents!
As parents, it is our job to take charge, whenever necessary. Predictable routines and firm boundaries allow children to know what to expect and who they can rely on so they then have the confidence to explore the world around them and develop new skills. Sometimes, to avoid conflict, parents feel unable to set boundaries and rules and follow them though and this puts the child in charge. This can be frightening for children as they are not developed cognitively enough to manage being in charge.
Putting boundaries and rules in place can be difficult, especially if children have gotten used to life without many boundaries or without hearing “no” very often. However, we must remember that it is never too late to make a change. It is also important to keep our boundaries and rules realistic. For example, it is not realistic to try to implement a boundary that our children must never disagree with each other. It is more realistic to set the boundary that we can disagree with our siblings but we must never hit or that we must always try to resolve our disagreements with words.
In trying to maintain some house rules and boundaries for our children we must try the same approach. It is not realistic to suggest that if a house rule is broken, we remove all gaming devices for the rest of the week. Rather, if a house rule is broken, we might reduce the time spent on gaming that evening by 15 minutes.
When your child breaks a rule or a boundary, it can be helpful to respond to this behaviour promptly, sensitively and assertively. A helpful technique for this is The Broken Record technique. If for example, your child breaks the house rule of tidying their bedroom on a Saturday morning. Try to keep your voice calm and soft in dealing with the matter. Here is an example:
Parent: “our rule is that you tidy your bedroom on a Saturday morning”,
Child: “But he didn’t tidy his bedroom either!”
Parent: “I understand that and I’ll speak to him next, the rule is that you too tidy your bedroom on a Saturday morning”.
Child: “you’re always picking on me!”
Parent: “I understand that you are annoyed with me and we can discuss that later if you like. Right now, I need you to tidy your bedroom, thank you.”
By the third instruction, most children will see we are being firm and will comply. So it is best to end by thanking them and then praise for when the task is complete. However, if our young person still argues or refuses, we can move to a consequence. It is important that we stay calm, choose a consequence that is manageable and not too drastic. For example, “I would rather you did not lose 10c of your pocket money, so I need you to tidy your room, thank you.” Making it seem as though you don’t want to implement this consequence is better than something that sounds more threatening such as “Tidy up or you’ll lose 10c of your pocket money.” Children can feel as though both parties have something to gain from completing the task.
Try to allow them time in between each instruction to change their mind and complete the task. Once the task has been completed, it is important to thank and to praise and not to comment any further on the task as it is helpful to end the interaction positively.
If the consequence has to be implemented, try to do so calmly and matter-of-factly. It is important to follow through on the consequences if they are mentioned and so the child learns to pay attention to the instruction as they know the consequence will come. Try to do this as privately as possible to reduce the potential embarrassment and/or defensiveness your child might experience if this happens in front of others.
Top Tips:
Remain Consistent: It is confusing for children if we stick to rules and boundaries one day and do not the next day.
Try to Encourage Decision Making, Where Possible: For example, “we have to tidy our room now, do you want to make the bed first or put away the clothes”.
Keep Empathy With Boundaries: For example, “I can see that you are upset that you cannot go out to play, but it is too late now. Tomorrow we can talk about going out to play when it is earlier and safer.”
Move On After: When the interaction about the boundary/rule is over, let it be over. Whether the child completed the task or the consequence is implemented, do not dwell on the interaction or let it become a bigger issue.
Small Reasonable Consequences: Try to implement small reasonable consequences that can be carried out shortly after the incident to increase the likelihood of the child remembering why this consequence has occurred.
Have fun too: When implementing a new boundary, it can feel like a lot of difficult change for a child. Although in the long run the benefits of the boundaries will be apparent, it is helpful to also remember to have fun and silly time when we are not setting and implementing boundaries. During the week of starting the new boundary, try do something fun with your child so their focus is not entirely on the difficult boundary.
This article written by HSE Primary Care Child and Family Psychology Services, a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Summer Holidays for Autistic Children and their FamiliesJune 27, 2024Ability / Homepage DisplayThe summer holidays have arrived! Many families are looking forward to the move away from routine and consistency that school provides. As schedules are interrupted and routines broken, families of children and young people with autism can find it challenging. Each child has unique strengths and needs. With a little preparation, holiday stress can be reduced. Here are some practical tips on supporting autistic children and young person who are facing changes in routines during the summer break.
Preparation is crucial for autistic children and young people. When a new event or outing is coming up, you can:
Use a calendar: a visual aid showing when an event is scheduled can be used to prepare your child. It is important not to plan too much in advance. For some children, a few days’ notice makes all the difference. For others, a few hours’ notice is required. Either way, talking about an upcoming event in advance greatly reduces anxiety, and supports the transition to a new environment.
Use visual aids: these can support communication regarding routines. You can use them in your own home or when planning trips outside the home. Depending on your child, visuals can include drawings, photographs, and pictures on phones. It is important to consider your child’s attention to detail, as the picture you use might be different to the actual place, which can cause upset.
Tell a story: developing social stories can assist your child’s understanding, and prepare them for an upcoming event or outing.
If visitors are calling to the home or if you plan to go visiting other people’s homes, you can:
Show photos in advance of relatives and visitors who will be calling in during the holidays.
If your child struggles in noisy or busy environments, find a quiet go-to place within your home or wherever you are visiting.
Have games, activities or favourite toys on hand.
Prior to visitors calling in, consider possible triggers to a meltdown. Some of these can be sharing of toys, other children using their belongings, and noise levels. Preparing for such situations can reduce anxiety for your child.
Having to interact with visitors might lead to meltdowns. When visitors are coming to the home, it is sometimes best to allow your child to follow their own lead.
If you are flying abroad for holidays, you can:
Have your child’s favourite foods, books or toys available during the flight
Check if your airport has a Special Assistance Programme. Many Irish airports have developed visual schedules on their websites, and have special assisted processes to support the transition through the airport.
The key message is: plan in advance. Preparation is key to success during the holiday season. Remember the words: First, Next, Finished. These provide a structure and sequence to activities. Identify your child’s triggers and prepare a plan, should your child experience a meltdown or a sensory overload. Check Autism parent forums on Facebook and Irish Autism websites for Autism-friendly days at various locations around town. Finally, focus on the successes, and celebrate them!
This article was contributed by a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
How to talk to your children about refugeesJune 20, 2024Home Life / Homepage DisplayThis week is World Refugee Week. Refugee Week celebrates the contributions of refugees and people seeking sanctuary in order to challenge negative stereotypes and create a space where refugees can be seen and heard beyond their experience of displacement. As we continue grappling with one of Europe’s worst refugee crisis, it’s normal to be wondering what to share with your children and how they are processing all the news.
Whilst we try to shield our children from the current war in Ukraine, or other human tragedies around the world, it’s highly probable they will have heard about it. Whether it’s a neighbour taking in a Ukrainian refugee family, a new accommodation centre supporting displaced people opening in your neighbourhood, children living in Direct Provision joining your child’s classroom, or overhearing a discussion on television, it’s best to be prepared.
How and what you tell your children about the refugee crisis, depends on their age and personality. For example, one may be a worrier and the other a warrior. Here are some guiding points to help you support your kids and answer questions or worries they may have.
Do some research:
In order to be prepared to handle the hard questions it is helpful to check some reliable sources on the topic (the UN Refugee agency, UNCHR, is a recommended one). Globally we are facing the highest level ever of people displacement on record, and even before the war in Ukraine started global refugee numbers were estimated at 26 million. Almost 12 million people are believed to have fled Ukraine and 6.6 million were forced to flee due to conflict in Syria. On top of that, half of these refugees are children. Alternatively, if your child has access to the internet, explain to them to be careful of social media news sources and if you can, give your own tips on trustworthy sites to check data.
Listen to them:
You can break the ice and start with an open-ended question by asking your kids what they already know about refugees. In addition, you might want to ask a follow up question such as ‘Why do you think these people had to flee their homes?’ and ‘What can we do about it to help?’. Listen, and give them space to express their worries feeling and questions. Try to answer their questions truthfully and don’t be afraid to say you don’t know or express your own feelings. Name the feelings you / they might feel and keep your answers simple using child friendly language. For the very sensitive child it might help to get them to write down their worries and put them in a ‘worry box’ and revisit later. After you can throw them away if the child is ready to let go of those feelings.
Make them feels safe and protected:
It is natural that some children might relate to the refugee children and feel powerless and scared. Some children might be worried they would have to leave their homes and become refugees too if the war spreads. Acknowledge their fears and reassure them that they are in a safe place. If they are concerned about the current wellbeing of refugee children, you can tell them about charities like Médecins Sans Frontières or Save the Children are creating safe spaces for children to play and learn in.
Talk about values and how they can help refugees:
This could be a good opportunity to teach our children about humanity and values of compassion, kindness and inclusivity. Encourage your kids to put their energy into positive action to help the refugees!
There are a number of events happening in Limerick this week to mark World Refugee Week. To learn more go to www.refugeeweek.ie/events/ and type Limerick into the search bar.
This article was written by the Anti-Racism sub-group of Limerick Migrant Integration Steering Group on behalf of Parenting Limerick. For more information go to www.limerickunitedagainstracism.ie.
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Primary School TransitionsJune 13, 2024Homepage Display / Pre-School AgeSchool Transitions: From Preschool to Primary School
Moving on from preschool to primary school can be daunting for children and parents alike. There are no two ways about it! Educators work tirelessly to ensure preschoolers are ready to make the big step. As parents, there are many things we can do to help. At the same time, it is important to reduce stress and be realistic about what we can and cannot do at home.
Reach out to your child`s preschool. Your child`s preschool educator will have resources to support your child’s transition. If you are not already in touch, make contact. They are likely to have valuable advice, school readiness resources, or suggestions for activities to carry out at home with your child.
Link in with the school. In the same way as the preschool educator can support the transition, so too can your child`s new school. Your child`s new school will send information about the school. It is important that these new school systems are understood and explained so that children know what to expect.
Talk to your child about school. This will help to prepare them and help getting used to the idea. If you can’t bring them to show them their new school, try making a photo book so your child will know what the school looks like, where they will have their lunch, and all the fun and exciting activities they can look forward to!
Read books and tell stories about starting school. Try reading a positive story together about a child starting school. to support your child to feel secure and excited about this new adventure. Better still, talk about how excited you were when you started school and about the activities that you did, the games you played and the friends that you made.
Talk about how all of this feels. This is a stressful time, and the transition may bring additional pressure on children and their families. It is important to provide space for children to talk about how they are feeling. By talking through situations, children make sense of it all and learn to manage their emotions.
Practice self care skills. Take this time to support your child to develop some independence around self care skills. Your child will have a better experience in school if they can open their lunchbox, close their shoes, wash and dry their hands, put on and take off their coat, and ask for help.
Try a routine. Routines brings security, so now more than ever, they are really important. Try getting back to a somewhat normal routine at home, particularly around bedtime and waking up time. Ensuring a healthy amount of sleep as well as exercise will support your child`s health and well-being in school. To reduce stress, keep routines relaxed and playful.
Play, play and more play! In play, children have many opportunities to learn skills that can support them when they start school. Play helps to enrich your child`s learning as they develop and master expression, confidence, creative thinking and problem solving. Playing games with family members can help your child develop social skills, as well as learn about team work, taking turns and negotiation. Role play using teddies and dolls allows children to explore the experience. Acting out what starting school might be like helps your child make sense of this milestone they are about to embark on.
This article was contributed by ABC Start Right, a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Transitioning to Secondary School: Helping your child to prepareJune 6, 2024Ages & Stages / Homepage Display / Middle Childhood / TeenagersTransitioning from primary school to secondary school is a process bound to result in some apprehension. This transition brings many changes for which a young person has to prepare including; a different and perhaps larger environment with more people, new multiple teachers for different subjects, new classmates, a different lunchtime experience, and new subjects. Although this transition can be a time of excitement for your young person as they are growing up and moving onto the next chapter in their lives, it can also be a time of uncertainty and even anxiety for some.
So how do these differences and this transition impact on your young person? Your child is going to be making big adjustments navigating socially and emotionally through this transition. In terms of social adjustments; secondary schools tend to be bigger, have larger class sizes, and students have numerous teachers. This is a vast social setting for young people to navigate. This brings great opportunities for your young person to develop and grow socially. It may, however, also be that it takes your young person longer to feel comfortable enough in this bigger school environment to socialise. Your young person may be uncertain at first about where they fit in this new larger class with varying personalities. It may also take them time to navigate new and less personal student-teacher relationships. Remember socially this is quite demanding on your young person.
Emotionally, your child is also adjusting. These adjustments include; separating from old friends who may be transitioning to a different school, experiencing dual emotions both worry and excitement, being introduced to new technologies like mobile phones and social media. Mobile phones provide your young person with a sense of independence and can provide parents with security in terms of more communication access when away from you. However, boundaries around phone usage are very necessary at this age. Most schools will have a mobile phone policy and rules in this regard too. Additionally, appropriate safety features in terms of social media and internet use are also recommended. It’s important to be vigilant to the demands of social media, encouraging discussions with your young person around healthy social media usage and awareness of how misleading social media, images and influencers can be.
Transitioning to secondary school promotes more independence in your young person and achieving new tasks improves their sense of mastery and confidence. However, new pressures are also present including; an increase in homework quantity and difficulty, exams to prepare for, and increased organisational demands with timetables, lockers, and constant changes in classrooms. This pressure can be overwhelming for young people at times and they may need support to deal with these demands.
So what can help your young person with this transition period? Remind your young person that change can also be exciting and encourage them to think about all the positive things they will get to experience, such as new friends, new extracurricular activities, new subjects to explore, and more independence moving between classes and during lunch. Acknowledge the end of primary school and celebrate this achievement. As well as acknowledging the positives it is important to allow your young person also to express any feelings of anxiety, worry, fear or sadness that they may be experiencing. Most importantly continue to support your child and their emotions, and promote open and frequent communication with them throughout this transition period.
Top Tips: Transitioning to secondary school
“Being with” your young person’s emotions-This means sitting with your young person when they experience a big emotion like anxiety or sadness. “Being with” an emotion does not mean talking through what has happened or fixing the problem. It is simply being with that child while they feel what they feel, indicating to them it is ok to feel the emotions they feel. Using phrases such as “I know you are worried” or “I know this is hard” can help them feel understood. Being with your child in their emotions helps them acknowledge and then move out of that emotion.
When communicating with your young person, sometimes it can be easier to talk about how they are feeling and how it is affecting them when you are connected to them through an activity they enjoy. A relaxed, playful environment allows easier exploration of difficult feelings for your young person when the time is right for them.
When communicating with your young person remember: listen patiently, validate how they feel, boost their self-esteem with praise when the opportunity arises, control your emotions-don’t match their chaos, instead bring calm, be open and be observant.
Promote safe phone and social media use with your young person:
Be a role model for your young person and show healthy phone usage
Phones are removed from bedrooms at agreed times (including overnight)
Set safety and privacy settings on their phone
Monitor social media use, content and communications for safety
HSE Primary Care Child and Family Psychology Service is running an online workshop on “Transitioning to secondary school: helping your child to prepare”. This workshop is most suitable for parents or professionals who are seeking information in relation to supporting young people transition to secondary school. To register your attendance, contact 087-3451489.
This article was contributed by Elisha Minihan, Psychology Assistant with the Primary Care Child and Family Psychology Service. The psychology service is a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Managing Exam WorriesMay 17, 2024Homepage Display / TeenagersMany students have underlying worries approaching their exams, regardless of their academic capabilities. No matter how big or small, all exam worries can affect a student’s exam performance and overall well-being. These worries can also appear in various disguises including lashing out, negative self-talk, unexplained physical ailments, or going from a diligent to an indifferent student overnight. For parents, exam season can be difficult to navigate and cultivates a mixed sense of protectiveness and powerlessness. However, a parent’s support during exam season is imperative.
Emphatically listening to your child’s worries without dismissing any (no matter how irrational they seem) can help ease much stress. This non-judgmental listening ear gives your child the opportunity to express their underlying worries in a healthy way. Try opening up conversations when you are shoulder-to-shoulder rather than face-to-face to help them feel more comfortable and less exposed or interrogated. They may not want to share their worries with you immediately, but will know that you are willing to listen when they are ready.
Under the pressures that accompany exams, thought patterns can often go askew and lead to irrational thoughts predicting worst-case scenarios or backing an “all or nothing” mindset. As parents witnessing this you can take the role of acknowledging the thoughts of your child while also letting them know that you believe the opposite to be true. Remind your child of how strong they are and help them recall a time or situation when they came through, managed, survived a similarly anxious time. This will help support your child in coming up with a more balanced way of thinking.
During exam time, there is an apparent shift in values. Many children will begin to measure their own self-worth on exam performance, or by comparing themselves to siblings, peers, or others around them. As a parent, remind your child of their individual intrinsic qualities, which truly represent who they are (caring, humorous, creative, etc.) and avoid adding to the comparison dialogue with examples of how well others handled a similar experience. Most importantly, let your child know that no matter what the outcome, you will be able to deal with it together and that you accept them regardless of their academic achievements.
Exam season can be physically, mentally, and emotionally energy zapping, with study demands often placing a healthy lifestyle balance by the wayside. However, maintaining a healthy balance will benefit your child hugely. Keeping a balanced diet, drinking enough water, engaging in regular physical activity, getting a good night’s sleep and preserving time for enjoyable interests is essential. Now, before the exam stress commences, is also an ideal time to encourage your child to begin practising some relaxation techniques or mindfulness exercises. Practising these skills now will allow your child to readily draw on them as a healthy coping mechanism during unhelpful exam stress. A healthy level of stress naturally improves motivation and exam focus, and all of the above will help keep these stress levels at this optimal level.
Top Tips
Support your child in challenging their worries
First acknowledge the worries your child is having. Then support them in coming up with a more balanced way of thinking about these worries. An example might be changing “I’m going to fail!” to “I’ve passed a hard exam before, I can do it again”. It might also help if your child writes this balanced thought down for future reference.
Set miniature goals
Help your child breakdown their overwhelming workload into smaller, more manageable steps ahead of their exam.
Celebrate effort
Take every opportunity to celebrate the effort your child is putting in to prepare. After an exam, avoid immediately asking what grade they obtained and instead ask a more open question about how they found the experience.
Good enough is good enough!
Try to adopt this mantra in your household. Your child will be feeling pressure from all angles and it is important that you try not to add to this overwhelming feeling. Notice your expectations and whether these are adding additional pressure.
Balance is key
Help your child to maintain a healthy life balance during this busy time. This includes diet, water intake, relaxation, social engagement, and preserving time to do the things they love.
Look after yourself
Be sure not to forget about your own wellbeing during this overwhelming period. Modelling a healthy life balance will also benefit your child. As they say “you can’t pour from an empty cup!”
This article was written by HSE Primary Care Child and Family Psychology Services, a member of Parenting Limerick. Parenting Limerick is a network of parenting and family support organisations. [...]
Helping your Child manage Big EmotionsMay 9, 2024Homepage Display / Middle Childhood / Pre-School Age / Toddlers“When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions it is our job to share our calm not, join their chaos” – L.R. Knost.
There are six basic emotions which are universally experienced by every one of all ages, across all cultures – fear, disgust, anger, surprise, happiness, and sadness. Feeling all our emotions is a very normal and important part of being human and being a child. Emotions are a subjective experience, meaning that although two children may go through the same experience, how they interpret this experience and what they feel as a result, may be very different.
Emotions elicit a “body” response, for example heart racing, pain in tummy, breathing faster, sweaty hands, etc. Again, these can be very different for each child. The behavioural response is how we react or behave in response to an emotion. This may include crying, laughing, jumping, shouting, cuddling with a parent, throwing something or talking it out. It is important to remember that the part of the brain which manages impulsive behaviours doesn’t start to develop until around 4 years old, and continues to develop until well into our 20’s. Younger children therefore need a lot more support to understand and manage their emotions and the behavioural response.
The ability to control our emotions is known as emotion regulation. This process takes time and can be challenging for some. Emotion regulation involves – becoming aware of the emotion; using words to describe the emotion; understanding the body reaction; identifying what triggers the emotion and finally learning strategies to manage it. As a child become more capable in emotion regulation, they begin to “respond” to the emotion, rather than reacting to it (which often looks like tantrums, lashing out, aggressive behaviour and shouting).
In order to help a child to learn emotion regulation, adults must first be capable of self-regulation – the awareness, knowledge and understanding of our own emotions, behaviours and reactions. When we are regulated, not only are we a positive role model, we are able to meet the child’s nervous system ‘where it is at’ by listening, remaining calm and providing a warm responsive relationship. Practicing emotional literacy, that is, naming emotions in a calm manner, will teach children emotions do not require a drastic response. For example, ‘I am feeling really angry that I spilt my tea, I’m am going to take a few deep breaths and take a minute to calm before I clean it up’.
Exhibiting a big emotion does not mean a child is trying to annoy us, ruin our day, or upset us. The child is learning and these are opportunities for us to reframe how we are thinking – ‘This is a chance for me to teach my child how to cope with these big feelings’.
Popular emotion regulation strategies include sensory supports, calming techniques, and thinking strategies. Activities such as squeezing a fidget ball or silly putty, sitting with a weighted blanket, swinging on a swing, or jumping trampoline are all useful sensory supports. Calming techniques include progressive muscle relaxation (PMR), colouring, relaxing music, and breathing techniques. Thinking strategies help by learning about the body and what happens when we over react, considering the size of the problem versus size of the reaction, managing self-talk (inner coach vs inner critic) and using more flexible thinking. These strategies can be used to regulate various emotions and should be used in line with the child’s own preference.
Top Tips to help your Child Manage their Big Emotions
The most important thing to remember when your child is experiencing a big emotion, is to stay calm. Use breathing techniques and take a brief moment to yourself, if it is safe to do so, before intervening with your child.
Be empathetic – non-judgemental – what the child is feeling is very real for them! Acknowledging that the feeling they are having is fair and valid can help.
Be with them in their feelings, get down to their level, make eye contact and listen.
Step back and give child space if they need it (1 metre). Stay present, they may look for a hug or some affection.
Reduce talking– avoid entering into an argument or negotiation. Until the body is regulated, the reasoning part of their brain is not working and it can be difficult for them to listen or have a conversation.
A game that involves deep breaths can help bring your child back to calm– for example hot chocolate breathing (pretending to smell a cup of hot chocolate then blowing out to cool it down). Practice these breathing techniques when the child is regulated so that they know what to do when experiencing a big emotion.
Always remember that every big feeling begins, has a peak and then comes to an end.
This article was contributed by the Primary Care Child and Family Psychology Service, a member of Parenting Limerick. Parenting Limerick is a network of parenting and family support organisations. [...]
Supporting your child when they are avoiding schoolMay 2, 2024Homepage Display / Middle Childhood / TeenagersParents and carers can feel isolated and alone when they have a child that struggles to attend school. Parents say that they often feel judged, blamed, misunderstood and frustrated. You do not deserve to feel any of these feelings.
You are not alone
Going through issues around school-avoiding behaviour with your child is full of challenges and tensions. As a parent it is very challenging to have your child’s needs and well-being as your main concern, while at the same time experiencing pressures to get your child back into school.
You may find yourself struggling with how to strike the right balance between how much your child is capable of and how much you should challenge or push them. You may feel that the school is judging you and that the wider system is monitoring you. You may feel that your child is a problem to be managed rather than a person who needs care, love and understanding. You might find yourself feeling frustrated or angry at your child for not going to school. It might have an effect on your relationship with them or others in your family. It can be overwhelming juggling all this along with work and other family commitments. Know that if your child is avoiding school, it is not your fault. You are not alone in this.
You, the parent, should be at the centre of the response schools and other services provide to support your child back to school. They need to do this to create a positive relationship with you. School-avoiding behaviour is often a signal that all is not well in your child’s world; it can be a symptom of a bigger difficulty. It is important to explore what is going on for your child and look for help if you need it. Generally, the earlier a parent does this, the better.
Supporting your child to express their feelings
It is helpful to encourage your child to express what they are feeling about school. However, children can often find it hard to respond to direct questions about what’s going on. They may not be able to identify exactly what their feelings are and why they are feeling them.
When helping your child explore their thoughts and feelings about school try to create a relaxed atmosphere. Listen carefully and recognise that your child’s feelings are valid. Even if they may feel like small things to you, or not a reason why you yourself wouldn’t go to school, they may feel big to your child. Let your child know that you believe in them, you are there for them and you will figure this out together.
You will feel your own stress as well as the distress of watching your child going through a time of difficulty. As best you can, try not to allow your normal and natural concerns for your child’s future to take over the present situation. Try to stay calm and reassure your child, even though you might be feeling stressed.
Remember: Your child’s experience is an understandable reaction to a stressful time or environment. Try to remind yourself, and help your child to know, that the experiences you are going through now will pass. They won’t last forever.
Perhaps you can describe the experiences to your child as a key learning opportunity where you and your child might learn important life lessons like how to manage stress, how to take care of emotional and physical well-being and who to get support from when needed.
Invest in the relationship with your child
First and most important, you help by investing in your relationships with your child. Parenting is the most important, but also the hardest, job you will ever have. We know from research that by far the most protective and influential factor in a child’s life is a safe, caring and supportive parent-child relationship.
Within this safe, loving relationship, you can help your child develop the skills needed to adapt to the challenges life can bring. So, prioritise spending quality time together doing things that you both enjoy. Laugh and have fun together, show an interest in your child’s hobbies, and be available to listen, support and empathise.
Trust in yourself
As a parent or carer, you have a unique insight into your child’s history, relationships, behaviours and emotions. Don’t be afraid to advocate for what you believe your child needs.
Your child’s school has a duty to respond to your concerns. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself. If you need help, or guidance, there are supports available for parents. If you need help working through this or other documents, ask someone you trust to go through them with you.
Make sure to look after yourself. School-avoiding behaviour can be incredibly stressful and exhausting. Reach out to trusted family and friends and say “Yes” to any offers of help.
This article was drawn from Working with your child to address school avoidance: A resource for parents, a Limerick-developed resource launched at Limerick School Attendance Conference. You can download the resource at www.limerickservices.ie/resources. [...]
Encouraging Positive BehaviourApril 18, 2024Homepage Display / Middle ChildhoodWe’ve all been there—it’s the end of a long day and we know that what everyone in the family needs is to be tucked up in bed. Getting there, however, can seem like the a never ending journey. There’s finding the right pair of pyjamas, ensuring the teeth are brushed, scrambling to find the lost tie and the stuffed animal that hasn’t been played with in two months but is suddenly essential, a final drink of water, stories, hugs, another final drink of water and then, as you settle onto the couch for the first time that evening, “Daaaad, I need you…” It’s at this stage that even the most patient among us is tempted to shout up the stairs, “JUST GO TO BED!!” The most patient and the less patient will realise, however, that this very rarely works.
Getting our child to listen and to behave positively can be one of the most challenging parts of parenting. One of the best ways to change unwanted behaviour is to pay attention to and reward the behaviours you want. The most powerful reward is praise, which is a social reward. Another social reward is spending time with your child. Other effective rewards are privileges (like T.V. and gaming time, special outings, extra bedtime stories, time with friends) and material rewards such as money, toys, treats, or a Driver’s License. Below are some ideas on how to establish a reward system with your child.
CHOOSE the behaviour you want your child to do and write it down. Begin with a behaviour that is not too hard to achieve. You can then tackle more difficult behaviours. (If you want your child to stop doing a negative behaviour, decide what its opposite is; that becomes the behaviour goal.)
PRACTICE: Break down the new behaviour into small doable steps you can teach your child and have him or her practice the behaviour. Decide on the how the behaviour will be measured—how your child knows he or she has accomplished it.
REWARD: Decide what reward your child likes and how it will be earned (number of points required, etc.). Have the rewards on hand.
CHART: Let your child choose a tracking chart. Fill it out and be clear about what your child must do to earn a move on the chart and receive a reward.
REWARD: Put the chart in a place where they will be easily seen. Be interested and enthusiastic when your child marks the chart.
PRAISE: Praise your child every time you see him/her doing the new behaviour and have him/her note it on the chart.
When choosing rewards, make sure children find the rewards enticing—let them help decide the reward. Some rewards can be small for smaller achievements and some can be larger for significant progress. Make sure the rewards are on-hand and easy to give. Children earn points to receive rewards by practicing the desired behaviour, setting up a tracking chart, and daily doing the behaviour.
This article was adapted from the Strengthening Families Programme. [...]
Bullying/Cyberbullying and Your ChildApril 11, 2024Homepage Display / Middle ChildhoodBullying impacts the lives of many children and families in Ireland. Bullying is a common enough word these days – but what does it actually mean? Although it is very common and can happen anywhere, we don’t always see or identify bullying soon enough. Bullying is repeated, negative behaviour carried out by an individual or group against others. It can be physical (such as hitting, kicking) or psychological (such as name calling, isolating, harassing). Bullying is an unacceptable behaviour, and should never be overlooked or ignored.
Bullying can happen in a variety of settings, and quite often occurs in situations where there is little or no adult supervision. While disagreements and challenges in interpersonal relationships are an inevitable part of life, instances of bullying can have a significant impact on the social and emotional wellbeing of children and young people. When people bully, they use their power to control or threaten others, this causes feelings of hurt, isolation and fear.
Children and youth have access to more technology than ever before. Social networking sites, smart phones and gaming consoles allow them to connect with others on a larger scale and on a more frequent basis. Cyberbullying refers to bullying that is carried out through the internet, mobile phone, or other technological devices. It can include sending abusive or threatening messages; posting offensive statements or pictures online; and other actions that threaten or upset others using technology. Cyberbullying is often anonymous and hard to control, as the person being bullied may not know who is doing it and, unlike other forms of bullying, can happen in the child’s home or other environments at any time.
As a parent, it is important to let your child know that anyone who bullies others is in the wrong. If a child experiences bullying, whether directly, as a bystander, or participates in bullying others, it is best to talk with a trusted adult.
Should your child talk with you about bullying, it is a good idea to carefully explore their feelings about what happened. You may wish to contact their school about your concerns, so that teachers can help monitor the situation.
The reasons as to why children bully can often be quite complex. This can include low self-esteem, acting out of frustration, poor communication skills, environmental factors, and media exposure. For some children, bullying may give some sense of control or power, when other aspects of their lives feel out of control. A child who bullies may have been previously bullied themselves, or have had other difficult life experiences. Despite their reasons for bullying, children and young people should be made aware that bullying is an unacceptable behaviour for which there are serious consequences.
For those being bullied, many may hide their feelings, particularly if they are afraid to talk about what they are experiencing. Young people might be reluctant to tell others about being bullied because they fear that the bullying may become worse if they tell or they may fear that adults will take away some of the things they enjoy, such as their mobile phone, or internet access. It is important parents and caregivers be attentive and aware of what children and youth are exposed to and the experiences they are having across all environmental settings. Some signs that your child might be experiencing bullying can include a sudden fear of going to school; inability to concentrate; withdrawn behaviour; low mood; loss of confidence and self-esteem; bedwetting; dishevelled appearance; and repeated signs of bruising and injuries.
Children who are being bullied and children who are bullying cannot tackle this problem alone and will require support and encouragement from the adults in their lives to resolve it. The first step is ensuring your child knows that you are there to listen and offer support.
Top Tips
Encourage Respect. During everyday life and on the internet, there are standards for how one should behave when interacting with other people. Speak with your child about the harm that can be caused by bullying and cyberbullying, ensuring that they understand the consequences for bullying. Encourage empathy and understanding of how it feels to be bullied (consider reading books, watching movies and open discussions). Teach and model kindness and respect for others.
Parent involvement in child’s technology use: Parents need to actively monitor their children’s technology use. Be aware of what media platforms they use and what they typically use it for. Ensure that what they are exposed to and engaging in is age-appropriate. Ensure parental controls are enabled. All social media apps have age restrictions and these should be adhered to.
Manage your own emotions: Whether your child has been bullied or has been accused of bullying it is important to try to manage your own emotions and stay calm. For children accused of bullying, they often have difficulties with managing conflict, frustration or are struggling socially. For children who have been bullied, demonstrate understanding and empathy while listening to what they have to say. Assure them you are happy they came to you for support. Ensure your child does not feel “punished” for coming to you (for example losing access to their phone) and problem solve when everyone is calm.
Keep your child informed: Openly discuss with your child what will happen next. They may become worried now that things are out in the open and fear that the situation may get worse, therefore they will need regular reassurance that the situation will be managed.
Liaise with school: Liaise with your child’s school to see if they have noticed any bullying there and share information with them. Work closely with the school to tackle the problem. Every school should have an anti-bullying policy to outline what steps will be taken in the event of bullying in school.
Link with your GP: If the bullying is of a serious nature, your child may need professional help. Seek advice from your GP, who will be able to sign-post you to the most appropriate support.
This article was written by Miranda Comar, Psychology Assistant with the Limerick Primary Care Child and Family Psychology Service. [...]
Top Tips for Recycling Easter GoodiesApril 8, 2024Homepage DisplayLike selection box and gift-wrapping overload at Christmas, Easter can generate a lot of unnecessary waste. Now the hunts are over and the Easter Bunny has gone on his way, there are a few clever ways to deal with waste and leftovers. Some ‘make and do’ time is always time well spent with your child:
Chocolate eggs don’t have to be eaten in their entirety. Enjoy some quality time in the kitchen with your children – melt down eggs to make chocolate buns or cakes. If the weather works out, enjoy those treats as part of an outdoor picnic.
Re-purpose egg boxes before they hit the recycling bin. That cardboard box could make a great spaceship or bed for a tired Barbie!
Easter hamper baskets could be used for some Spring planting. Recycle the straw, replace it with soil and seeds and watch your indoor herb garden grow.
Bunting has become really popular and is easy to recycle. Paper or material triangles can be laid over bunny and chick motifs, complete with your child’s drawings. Happy Easter can become Happy Spring.
Easter bonnets that were done as school projects can be returned to their original straw state and with the addition of some colourful ribbon, you have a new sun hat.
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A Mother’s Thoughts on the Power of Neurodiversity and Positive ParentingApril 8, 2024Ability / Homepage DisplayWorld Autism Awareness Day, highlights the need to help improve the quality of life of those with Autism so that they can lead full and meaningful lives as an integral part of society. To mark Autism Awareness Day, children’s author Sivan Hong shares her thoughts on the power of neurodiversity and positive parenting.
Language holds power. We see this every day on our social media feeds, whether it’s something going viral on twitter or a meme on IG that speaks to exactly what we are feeling in the moment. That is why I was so drawn to the term neurodiversity.
Neurodiversity is a science-based concept that says that brain/learning differences, like Autism, ADHD, Dyslexia, etc. are biologically normal or mainstream. It frames the challenges that come with neurodiversity as differences instead of framing them as deficits. For me, this was a huge “ah-ha” moment. This one word told me that there was nothing “wrong” with my brain, it was just different – and that was okay. Different is normal, not wrong, not broken, not in need of fixing. I can work with different.
As a mother of two neurodivergent kids, it was critical for my boys to grow up feeling that same sense of pride about their brain differences; it was not enough that I felt this way. After all, why should they think of themselves as broken, when they are not? Their brains can do incredible things. They see the world in a different way. There are so many strengths in brain differences, that I wanted them to see those strength within themselves and build on them. The challenge for me, as a mother, was how do to that.
Like many parents, when I looked for ways to teach my kids, I turned to stories – I turned to books. Unfortunately, I soon discovered that there were not a lot of picture books that showed neurodivergent characters. (To be clear, there are some incredible stories out there, but not nearly enough.) I wanted books that could mirror my children’s experiences wearing headphones, chewing gum, playing with fidget toys and their comfort in routine and schedules. I wanted to provide them these types of mirrors to normalize their experiences, so that they could see picture book characters being just like them. I wanted them to see that their experiences while different, were also normal.
I never set out to be an author/illustrator, but I became one to fill a gap that I saw. I created the Super Fun Day Books series to show neurodivergent children facing challenges and overcoming them. My books are structured like social stories, which is a tool used in special education to help teach children about something that may be hard. The illustrations in the books are purposefully simple to help keep a focus on the story and the font is dyslexic friendly. All the books are available as audiobooks to make them accessible to all types of learners. (I happen to consume books best in audio format myself and am so thankful for that technology).
There are days when my children are proud of their neurodiversity and there are days, like with all children, they just want to be like everyone else. I hope that my books help other parents, educators, and therapists, support children so that they more days when they feel proud of their brain differences.
But it cannot just be about neurodivergent kids learning about themselves – neurodiversity should be understood by all children (and adults). Other children see the headphones, the gum chewing, the weighted vests, and wobble seats. Books are also windows into someone else’s life, and I love hearing about how my books help start conversations with neurotypical kids about the differences they may see with their neurodivergent peers.
Afterall, as a mother, I can help change how my kids feel about themselves but the world around them has to share in that positive message. It will take all of us to make that kind of change.
This article is by Sivan Hong, author of the Super Fun Days Books, a collection of best selling social stories about neurodiverse kids (www.sivanhong.com). Sivan shared her story on behalf of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Understanding and supporting your Child’s AnxietyMarch 21, 2024Health & WelbeingAnxiety is our body’s way of letting us know that a threat to our safety is present and we may be in danger. This can be helpful as it allows us to keep ourselves safe and react how we need to in that moment. However anxiety becomes unhelpful when it is persistent over a long period of time, even when a threat is not present.
Helpful anxiety activates our fight, flight, freeze response in the face of danger. This response gives us the best chance of escaping the source of danger or minimising the threat. Flight response encourages us to run from the threat. Fight encourages us to face and fight the threat. While freeze is our body’s response when we cannot fight or run so we freeze often mentally removing ourselves from the event. We feel these responses in our body physically and see them in our behaviour. Sometimes we might hit or kick out, sometimes we feel our heart race and breathing is shallow, and sometimes our body and muscles tense up. These are perfectly normal responses by our brain and body. Unhelpful anxiety however, causes all the same physical symptoms and our behaviour can look the same but there is no threat present. It also happens more often or more intensely than we need it to. This is unhelpful anxiety as it no longer serves the purpose of keeping us safe, it impacts on daily life, and it causes distress.
We know our thoughts, feelings and behaviours are all linked. Typically anxiety affects how we think, what we feel and in turn how we behave. Therefore, if we can change one of these, it will help elicit change in the others as well. When we are experiencing anxiety we typically focus on negative, unhelpful thoughts rather than positive helpful ones. These negative thoughts can include catastrophizing (focusing on the worst possible outcome or situation), jumping to conclusions (coming up with an outcome or result without proof) and dismissing the positives (they don’t count or that was just lucky) among others. These negative thoughts lead inevitably to increased negative feelings within us as a result. Negative feelings can include anxiety, low mood and even anger. Changing how we think about a situation (move from negative thinking to positive or balanced thinking) can result in less anxiety (feeling) and more helpful behaviours (less fight, flight and freeze). Challenging negative thoughts and recognising the anxiety it is causing both emotionally and physically can allow us to break the cycle and move away from anxiety.
Top Tips for helping to reduce your Child/Teen’s Anxiety
“Be with” your child’s emotions: this means sitting with your child when they experience a big emotion like anxiety. “Being with” an emotion does not mean talking through what has happened or fixing the problem. It is simply being with that child while they feel what they feel. Using phrases such as “I know you are worried” or “I know this is hard” can help them feel understood.
Grounding skills: grounding skills help bring our attention into the moment and away from the anxiety. Some grounding skills include:
5,4,3,2,1: Identifying 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.
Body scan: Mentally scan your body from head to toe, noticing areas of tension and focusing on relaxing them.
Breathing exercises: Help slow your breathing, removing your body from a state of fight, flight, or freeze mode to a more balance state. These techniques include -5 finger breathing: trace each finger up as you breathe in and trace each finger down as you breathe out, and snake breathing: take a deep breath in then hiss the breath back out like a snake.
Sensory support –some find sensory activities can help to reduce anxiety, including jumping on a trampoline, running, squeezing a squishy ball, and using a weighted blanket.
It can be useful for your child/adolescent to identify and recognise how anxiety feels for them physically then encourage use of a grounding skill or sensory support to help relieve these sensations
Sometimes it can be easier to talk about anxiety and how it affects your child when connected to them through play (for younger children) or through an activity they enjoy (for teenagers). A relaxed, playful environment allows easier exploration of difficult feelings for the child/young person when the time is right for them.
This article was written by Elisha Minihan, Psychology Assistant with the Limerick Primary Care Child and Family Psychology Service. [...]
“Beyond the Stork and Cabbage Patch”March 14, 2024Health & WelbeingChildren start to learn about their bodies as soon as they are born. Babies learn about themselves through touch and by watching and imitating others so cuddles, hugs and kisses from their parents and family are essential. It is important that they see affectionate behaviour between family members as well.
Babies begin exploring their bodies from an early age–busy fingers find toes, ears, hair, noses and genitalia. If you find watching your child discovering his penis or her vagina embarrassing, gently direct those curious fingers to another area of the body or a favourite toy. Try not to show any signs of disapproval or disgust. If they get the message that this activity is wrong, they may feel guilty and try to hide it. Nature doesn’t stop the impulse of discovery just because we say it is unacceptable.
At three to four years old, children become aware of the differences between boys and girls. They may like to peep under each other’s clothing, check out what pet’s body parts look like or play mummies and daddies. These behaviours are pure curiosity and have nothing to do with sexual behaviour. A negative reaction at this time can cause a dislike of their bodies, fear of their feelings, and feelings of guilt or shame. Again, if these behaviours embarrass you, distract positively into another game or activity.
Now come the questions: “Where do babies come from?” “Can men have babies?” “How do babies get in?” Try to respond to these initially by asking the child the same question back to see they think. The response can give you an indication of the information your child is seeking. Keep your answers simple. For example, “You were made in your Mummy’s tummy and grew in there until it was time to be born”.
A calm matter of fact approach is essential; this encourages the child to feel safe and confident talking to you. There are many story books available for young children that introduce topics of reproduction, sex, love, babies etc. in an accessible way. Some favourites are Mommy Laid an Egg by Babette Cole and Where Willie Went by Nicholas Allen. www.sexualwellbeing.ie also have some useful age-appropriate stories for parents to read to their children. Check out your local library to see what they have available. The simple information can be a useful guide to keep our information simple and clear. Remember- before long your children will grow and their need for accurate, honest information will grow, too.
This article was contributed by a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Caring for Unwell People, Big and SmallMarch 7, 2024Health & Welbeing / Homepage DisplayIt started at 5am on Monday with ‘I feel very hot’. The feverish 9 year-old was given Calpol, a hug and brought back to bed, while the toddler decided it was obviously getting up time. Fast forward a couple of very busy days in work and we end up in a late-night, walk-in clinic where the doctor informs me that the little guy has a strep throat and is ‘inevitably in a lot of pain’. Once he was dosed up and safely ensconced in bed, I spent the night berating myself for not paying enough attention, for being a working parent and for just about everything else I wasn’t doing as a parent. Somewhere around dawn, I had an epiphany – children get sick, it happens. The important thing is to nurse them and to mind ourselves as parents in the process. In a nutshell, less guilt and more self care.
Being up over a few nights with a sick child can have the same affect as jet-lag, minus the cocktails and sunshine. Your heart goes out to them because you can’t make them feel instantly better with a hug and the regular household routine goes out the window. Who feels like cooking when appetites are dwindling so while the cooker is on strike, the washing machine is working over-time. Towels and bed clothes go on hot washes while you dream about throwing yourself into a hot shower. The thing is, all of those things can wait. Focus on yourself and your child and, I promise, the world won’t end.
Your child is probably lethargic from being unwell so take every opportunity to just snuggle together – in bed, on the couch while watching movies, anywhere that works. They need the attention (because illness makes us all needy) and you need the down-time. Stock up on smoothies and frozen ice pops to soothe sore throats and ensure hydration. In between doses of medicine, they can also feel like a much-needed little treat. Whether your child is 2 or 12, being unwell can make them clingy and a little demanding but try to respond without smothering. Remember, even babies can pick up on parental stress so try to keep calm. While your inside voice may be screaming ‘yes love, I would love to run downstairs to get you ANOTHER glass of water’, the voice they hear needs to be soothing and reassuring.
Remember, children get sick, it happens.
This article was contributed by a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Getting Ready for Baby-Especially for DadsMarch 7, 2024PregnancyWhile women take the main stage in actually having the baby, the role of fathers-to- be is essential. Below are some tips to consider before the big day.
Listen. Before labour commences, have a conversation with your partner about what kind of support she wants. Some women may want lots back-stroking; others want a more hands off approach. Remember, a woman reserves the right to change her mind!
Acknowledge and Express Your Own Feelings. Having a new baby is a life-changing event for both mothers and fathers, and you will have some big (sometimes scary!) feelings. Talk to your partner, a family member or friend about what you are feeling.
Take Care of the Practical Bits. This could be anything from emergency food runs to manning the text messages after baby is born.
Stay Calm. Step outside for a quick walk, practice some pregnancy breathing or ring a friend if you are starting to feel overwhelmed. Your partner will need you to be calm before and during labour.
Enjoy and Cuddle Your New Baby! Enjoy those amazing first moments and make sure you get lots of skin-to-skin cuddles—it will be the start of one of the most amazing relationships of your life.
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Teaching Children About ConsentFebruary 29, 2024Homepage Display / Middle Childhood / TeenagersTeaching Children About Consent Because No Means NO’:
Numerous studies have shown the benefits of parents and children talking about consent throughout childhood and adolescence. For babies and young toddlers, consent can be grasped through body language. Think, for example, of how we expect babies to kiss friends and relatives. Even when the baby recoils we generally tend to persist, lean them in towards whoever is leaving and instruct ‘come on now, give Granny a big kiss’. While babies are usually tactile and open to big displays of affection, they are also able to let us know when they don’t want that affection. They can turn into us or turn their face away from Granny, which indicates to us that they don’t want to kiss her. What is important is how we react to that. Instead of persisting, try something along the lines of ‘that’s OK, let’s just give Granny a big wave goodbye instead’. What you are doing is acknowledging your baby’s wishes and respecting them. You are giving her a voice before she ever has one but also role modelling consent before she understands what it is.
For older toddlers and young children, rough-housing and typical play can be used to explain consent. Older siblings, for example, often like to tickle smaller children. While this is initially met with fits of giggles, after a while you will generally observe the smaller child saying ‘stop it’, but still laughing. This presents a great teachable moment. If one child persists with tickling, intervene and come to their level: ‘Josh has asked you to stop tickling him so you need to stop pet. Of course you can tickle your brother but the second he says stop, you have to stop, ok?’ In a few short sentences you have used the word ‘stop’ repeatedly, which will help both children involved to learn about actions and reactions.
With teenagers, the issue of consent should accompany any and all discussions around the facts of life. While we are teaching them about the biology of sex, we also need to teach them the psychology of it. We should instil in every adolescent boy and girl that consent is a conversation between two people. It isn’t something open to interpretation or something that changes when other factors (such as alcohol, peer influence etc.) are involved. By doing so, we are teaching them about personal responsibilities and boundaries.
As your children get older, you don’t have the full view of their lives as you did when they were smaller. By continuously talking to them and letting them know that you are there for them, you are supporting them on their future paths. By keeping the topic of consent open and ongoing, you are putting safety rails on those paths.
This article was contributed by a member of Parenting Limerick. [...]
Enjoying Longer EveningsFebruary 29, 2024Homepage Display / Quality TimeThe much awaited ‘stretch in the evenings’ is slowly arriving so it’s time to top up those Vitamin D levels:
Make going outside as much of a planned activity as any extracurricular activity. Whether it’s a walk around the neighbourhood, a cycle or a family effort at getting the garden back in shape, try to fit it in daily with your child
For younger children in particular, they can now get outside before bed which makes it exciting. Capitalise on that excitement by setting up little treasure hunts or looking for small bugs. Puddle-jumping and leaf picking are toddler areas of expertise!
Bear in mind the balance between directed and free play – follow your child’s lead. You may have to hold caterpillars or give names to cars but you’ll find a new appreciation for being outside when you see it through your child’s eyes
Play nature ‘I spy’ while walking and you’ll be amazed at how far you get
Leave phones behind so that you can really enjoy each other’s company and connect with being outdoors
Watching the sun going down or the moon rising never loses its appeal and provides a great opportunity to talk about the solar system
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