I want to take this time to talk to you right from my heart, because you see I’m on a break. We’ve decided to wait until 2017 to transfer our frozen embryo. There are loads of reasons why and I want to explain them to you.
- I’ve already had a failed attempt in 2016 so I believe that we weren’t ready for baby. That it wasn’t the right timing that 2016 wasn’t the year to add to our family.
- I’m tired, I’m drained and I’m scared. Tired of having no life other than IVF injections, scans, phone calls you see it becomes your life, nothing is more important so you need to be awake and ready. Drained from not being pregnant after putting my body through night sweats, hormones, tears and pain. Scared, well actually terrified, it won’t work, terrified this is my last time to go through IVF (unless we win the lotto), frightened I might never have another baby, a sibling for Beth to grow up with.
- My dream might not become reality and that seems almost impossible to accept.
- To give my marriage a break, a chance to be ourselves, Mark and Denise. To allow my husband to see the spark back in my eyes, not just the emptiness of fails. To cuddle and have fun, to feel human. You see, no one really talks of the strain its puts on your marriage, who’s to blame… it’s all my fault we aren’t able to spend money on nice things in case I need extra scans or extra meds. Or when he asks me a question about IVF and I have a melt down, “are you not doing this too?” My fault I can’t give my hubbie the family he deserves. It feels like it’s my fault he has to take time off work, he can’t drink at weekends, and he has to eat certain things. When I push him away at night it’s not because I don’t love him it’s because I love him so much and can’t believe he supports every single thing I choose to put our family through. He stands beside me at every hurdle to catch me if I fall, and do you know what? I’m glad IVF is our journey because I know my marriage is strong and that come January when they transfer our ice baby back in, he will be right there holding my hand tight.
My plan is to continue my acupuncture until then as I feel it’s great for my mind and, combined with IVF, raises my chance of a successful transfer. On December 15th I will go for a scratch procurer, gently scratching the lining of the womb before IVF can increase the odds of pregnancy. Then it’s all go with the meds, getting my lining and womb nice and ready.
January 2017, New Year, new baby, I’m going to make it count.
Do you have questions that you want to ask Denise? Or would like to show her your support? Feel free to comment below.
Want to see behind the scenes footage of Denise’s IVF journey? Follow her on Snapchat username: dephillipa or Facebook: MillionDollarBaby.
If you are affected by issues raised in this article or would like access to further information and support, please see contact information below.
Nurture Charity (counselling and support for fertility issues, depression in pregnancy, Post-natal depression, Traumatic Birth, Miscarriage and other related issues)
Initial contact is through the Dublin office, but counsellors are available in Limerick and other areas.
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