I’m on a break, a well needed break, but that’s just from drugs and doctors. Not from the constant reminder that I’ve just had a failed IVF. It’s not a break from the constant reminder that I might never have another baby; it’s not a break from the constant reminder that I can’t conceive naturally and now I might not be able to hold a healthy pregnancy. I’m going to be honest– I’ve been putting off the test for the “killer” cells. You see, if I don’t have it done, then it’s not for certain that I have them. It’s not for certain that my body killed my own embryo. It’s another obstacle to face that I feel I’m just not strong enough to handle right now. I feel weak, I feel broken, and I feel like my dream is so far away. I know I’ve felt like this before but I know how fickle IVF is, and I know I haven’t much more left inside me that I can give it. I’m just back from a meet up with a group of women that follow me on snapchat, women that all have their own journey to tell. Some haven’t even started IVF; some have been through it and some are right in the midst of it.
It feels so good to sit with women who have felt your pain, your tears, your joy, your disappointment, your fight.
On my way into the venue to meet the group, I met one of the women, and she said she was just about to change her mind in case she knew anyone inside. You see we’re still ashamed– we don’t want people’s pity or people’s awareness. People don’t know what to say, but we must help educate people so they understand. As I sit at the table, I can feel the strength of these women, their courage to pursue their dream. These women have fought hard—some have travelled abroad for treatment, some have used donors. They all have a story to tell.
When you met with women who have had IVF, the feeling of understanding is so strong. There are no questions to answer; just support for another.
So firstly, thank you to all the amazing women that came on Sunday. We had been chatting in these groups on Facebook, but when we met in person, we had a real connection. We had a face to IVF. Acupuncture has been my saviour this week with load of needles to calm the nerves.I’ll keep you all updated next week after the blood test.
Do you have questions that you want to ask Denise? Or would like to show her your support? Feel free to comment below.
Want to see behind the scenes footage of Denise’s IVF journey? Follow her on Snapchat username: dephillipa or Facebook: MillionDollarBaby.
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