Many parents who are separating worry about the negative impact on their children. We know from research that the factors that put teenagers most at risk are:
Conflict between parents
Arguments and tension between parents before, during and/or after separation affect teenagers deeply. It leaves them anxious, aggressive or withdrawn, and more likely to develop emotional and behavioural problems.
Repeated disruptions to their lives
This means having to move homes, change schools and lose contact with family members or friends. This might result from several family changes, such as the breakdown of two or more parental relationships and/or adjusting to more than one new step-parent.
Feeling their life is out of control
This happens when teenagers don’t receive adequate explanations or reassurances from parents about the separation or are not involved in decisions that affect them. This can leave them anxious, fearful and confused.
Feeling alone or ‘different’
This can happen if the teenager is isolated and without support inside or outside the family.
Will the separation affect my teenager at school?
When there is upheaval in their life, teenagers may find it very hard to study, do homework, manage extracurricular activities and tend to other responsibilities at home before and after school.
Although your teenager might want to keep your family situation private, it is better to let their school know. Most teachers and guidance counsellors usually understand how difficult family separation is for students.
Talk it over with your child. Ask them if they would like to be involved. Decide together who is the best person at school to talk to.
What if a teenager is let down by a parent?
If your former partner repeatedly misses visits or no longer stays in contact, your child may experience feelings such as loss, guilt, self-blame, sadness and anger. To help your teenager cope, you can:
- Continually reassure them that it is not their fault. Nothing they ever said or did caused this to happen.
- Reassure them that they still have a family. One parent may not be around, but you are there for them every day. Other family members and trusted friends in your son or daughter’s life can also provide much-needed comfort and understanding.
- If there is no contact with the non-resident parent, ensure that your teenager has as much information as possible about their parent. You can use photographs and keepsakes. Suggest that they write down happy memories of their parent in a diary or journal.
- Encourage contact with your former partner’s wider family, if this is possible and in your teenage child’s best interests.
What if my former partner’s relatives take sides or criticise me?
Talk to your teenager about it. Let them know that everyone deals with separation differently. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins will all have feelings and opinions. But these are their opinions, and it’s okay not to share them.
Try talking to your former partner, or the relative in question, about how this behaviour is making your teenager feel. It’s possible that they might not have realised how their behaviour is affecting your child.
Adapted from “Parenting Positively,” a series of booklets by Barnardos that provides information and guidance to parents of children between the ages of 6 and 12.
