When parents separate it is a painful process for children and parents alike. The good news is that there are specific ways you can help your child through this difficult change in your lives. It brings a lot of change and uncertainty for everyone. Separation can impact how parents parent their children and how children behave in response and can cause adjustment difficulties for children.
Impact of separation on parenting
Divorce or parental separation will have an impact on how parents are parenting. Parents’ capacity to co-operate with each other and to meet their child’s needs at this challenging time may be compromised by the separation, and the changes that brings such as a change in residence, financial strain, role change or identity change. When navigating their separation, parents are at risk of adopting differing parenting styles. Parenting cooperatively supports parents in developing a unified approach, such as around rules and routine which provides a safer and more consistent home environment for children. Alternatively, when parents have a conflicting parenting approach, for example, with different sets of rules/ routine and with communication which is conflictual and/or limited, this can result in a stressful environment for children.
Supporting your children
Children thrive best in situations of security, affection and continuity. Whatever the changes brought about by separation, children need a ‘secure base’. This means loving and attentive parents or guardians who recognise and respond to their needs, put their best interests first and provide a stable and consistent environment from which they can make the necessary adjustments. Children who have adapted well to separation or divorce had received clear explanations from their parents about what was happening and why. During and after separation they had good relationships with both parents, who behaved in responsible and predictable ways.
Co-operative co-parenting after separation
Following separation, when parents are living apart, new routines need to be established for all family members. It can be of benefit to establish these routines collaboratively between the households, so as to increase consistency and avoid conflict, or confusion and stress for children. Stability is so important for children and, when possible, should be maintained in terms of school, peers and activities. Children may experience a range of intense emotions during the early days of separation; these may include; grief, anger, anxiety, loss, denial or embarrassment. These emotions can be challenging and distressing for children. Children need to be supported in these emotions, through validation and understanding from their parents. These emotional responses, which are likely to be expressed in your child’s behaviour, will usually be resolved over time. Children can suffer long-term negative effects depending on their experience of the separation and as a result of ongoing conflict between the parents
The way in which you separate will impact either positively or negatively on how your child will adjust. You can reduce the likelihood of your child experiencing longer term difficulties by working together responsibly as parents to support your child before, during and after separation.
HSE Primary Care Psychology, Limerick are running a “Parenting When Separated” online workshops for parents, caregivers, and guardians with children who have experienced parental separation. To attend, please contact our psychology assistant on 087-3451489 who will record some of your basic information for registration. Registration closes on Tuesday 20th May at 11.00am
This article was contributed by Elisha Minihan, Psychology Assistant with the Primary Care Child and Family Psychology Service. The service is a member of Parenting Limerick.
