For some parents the transition of their back to school of their children may have been difficult. School anxiety can show up in lots of different ways, and it doesn’t always look like “worrying.” Some children might say they feel sick in the mornings, complain of headaches, or suddenly feel too tired to get ready. Others might become tearful, clingy, or quick to get upset when school is mentioned. You might notice that Sunday evenings are especially tough, or that your child struggles at drop-off. It’s easy to mistake these behaviours for being difficult or dramatic, but often they are a child’s way of showing that school feels overwhelming. Spotting these signs early makes it easier to step in with gentle support.
What’s happening inside the brain during anxiety can help explain why your child reacts the way they do. When something about school feels threatening—whether it’s a test, speaking in class, or worries about friends—the brain’s “alarm system,” called the amygdala, goes into high alert. This sets off the body’s stress response: a racing heart, tense muscles, or an upset stomach. At the same time, the part of the brain that helps with reasoning and problem-solving goes offline. That’s why a child who normally knows school is safe might suddenly feel unable to think clearly or reassure themselves. Their brain is acting as if school is ‘unsafe’, even though they’re likely not in harm’s way.
There are many reasons school anxiety may develop. Some children worry about keeping up with schoolwork, while others find the social side of school—friendships, group work, or playground dynamics—very stressful. Perfectionism and fear of making mistakes can add extra pressure. Once a child starts avoiding school, even for a short time, it can strengthen the anxiety: staying home brings instant relief, which teaches the brain that avoidance “works,” even though it makes going back harder. Big life changes, such as a new sibling, moving schools, family stress, or even a naturally more sensitive temperament, can also add to the picture. It helps to remember that anxiety isn’t caused by one simple thing—it’s often a mix of different pressures coming together.
As a parent, one of the most powerful things you can do is offer validation and calm. Validation means showing your child you understand how real their feelings are, even if you don’t share them: “I can see that school feels really hard right now.” This doesn’t mean you agree that school is scary—it just means your child feels heard. Alongside that, co-regulation is about lending your calm to them. When you keep your voice steady, stay close, or offer a reassuring touch, you’re helping their nervous system settle down. Rather than rushing to fix or dismiss the problem, sitting alongside your child with empathy creates a safe foundation from which they can gradually face their fears. The aim isn’t to remove every worry straight away, but to help your child feel safe enough to take small steps forward, knowing you’re right there beside them.
Top tips
- Before forming a strategy to deal with your child’s school-based anxiety, it is important to determine whether the feelings of anxiety are rational or irrational. For example, if a child is being bullied, their anxiety makes perfect sense and any strategy must begin by focusing on the source of the problem. On the other hand, if the child’s anxiety is irrational i.e. not based in reality, different strategies may be necessary.
- Make sure to contact the school as soon as possible, to advise them of your child’s feelings of anxiousness. Open and regular communication is important.
- Regulate yourself and manage your own feelings in the moment.
- Acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings of anxiety, without validating the urge to avoid school.
- Encourage the child to think about what is happening in their body when they start to feel anxious, e.g. is their heart beating faster? Do they feel sick in the tummy?
- Begin co-regulation with a straight forward strategy such as a breathing exercise or progressive muscle relaxation. Encourage the child to practice these strategies when they feel ok so that they can call on them easily when becoming anxious.
- Once they are calm and regulated, help your child to identify the thoughts that are making them anxious e.g. “the teacher hates me”. If the thoughts are irrational, support your child in developing more realistic, neutral alternatives. If the thoughts are rational, it is essential to address the underlying problem with the school.
This article was written by Claire Bennett, Psychology Assistant with the HSE Primary Care Child and Family Service, Limerick. This service is a member of Parenting Limerick.
