There is little doubt that our earliest years are the most important ones of our lives. It is during our childhood that the foundations are laid for the development of individuality and our attempts to adapt to the world around us. It is around this time too that our responses to life experiences are beginning to get moulded. As young children we are almost entirely dependent on adults for food which is essential for healthy growth. Similarly we are also dependent on another essential ingredient vital to our emotional development – the attention of caring adults. Given the importance of this factor it is surprising how little time we spend being truly attentive to children. As a result, children sometimes find different strategies to have this need met. Most of us are aware of some of these: temper tantrums, acting out, or being disobedient and clingy.
To be heard and appreciated is essential to a child’s growth and development. With increasing social, digital and economic pressures often outweighing the needs of the individual, it leaves less and less opportunity for active listening to occur. It is clear that we must find ways of creating space in which adults are able to give children the gifts of time, when real attention can be paid to them.
“Special Time “or a “Special Listen” provides a vehicle for this to take place. During this Special Time an adult gives undivided attention to one child. The boundaries are set within a safe environment and are age appropriate. The special time could be for 10 minutes special reading time at bedtime or an hour of other activities during the day. The child takes the lead in initiating the activities. The child guides the play, makes their own decisions and mistakes without fear of adult dismay, corrections or condemnation. The verbal and non-verbal feedback to the child conveys that total attention is being paid. It is in the form of “running commentary and recapping” on the activity taken place. You might say – “you have pushed the red car,” “you’re smiling talking to Paddington Bear”, “you are able to swing really high”, with your non-verbal behaviour matching the verbal.
When the special time is coming to an end, give your child plenty of warning that you are going to return to normal tasks soon. This doesn’t mean, however, that you won’t still have moments of connection and “special time” throughout the day. Being firm conveys to the child that you sometimes you don’t mean what you say and that your boundaries are not firm.
Once the child grasps the concept of the “special listen” or “special time”, they are usually overjoyed at this new experience and will look forward to it happening again and again. It allows the child to be herself/himself without having to employ strategies to gain attention. The process of being fully attentive and accepted is in itself a healing and enriching one.
The Special Time without doubt has many advantages. It is a source of individual growth and happiness to all children. The parent/child relationship will be greatly enhanced and negative behaviour and frustrations can decrease and tensions lessen. The child’s self-esteem increases and their inner security grows. They are more able to deal with the many conflicts and frustrations which are part of everyday life. Special Time is free. The overall aim is to foster a strong connection with your child and to ensure that they know you are there to listen to them and support them.
This article was contributed by the Hospital Family Resource Centre, a member of Parenting Limerick.
