We can all be reluctant to speak at times, whether it be due to shyness, a lack of confidence, fear of making a mistake, or a speech and language difficulty – and children are no different. A common example of this is how many children tend to be quiet when they first start school. This new environment may make them nervous, or even overwhelmed at first, but with gentle support, many, if not most of these children will be talking within a few weeks.
As a parent ‘tuning in’ to what your child is feeling (i.e. putting yourself in their shoes), acknowledging their feelings and re-assuring them can be helpful. For example “I can see that talking is difficult for you right now. I’m not worried about this as I know that you will talk when you are ready to do so”. It’s important not to put any pressure on children to speak in situations where talking might be difficult. They will talk when they are ready if no pressure is placed on them. It is important to listen to, validate and normalise their feelings. You can explain that some things are difficult for you to do also but that these get easier with time and practice e.g. ‘You feel worried because it’s your first time doing this. When I was your age I was scared when I went to my first play date but when I gave it a go it was easier the next time”.
It is worth noting that children may be particularly reluctant to speak if they are learning a new language. So long as they continue to talk freely to family members in their native language within earshot of other people, laugh or cry out loud, and use gestures such as pointing, to communicate, there is usually no concern. This ‘silent period’ can last anything from a number of weeks to months, while the child gains confidence in speaking the new language.
In some cases, children’s difficulty talking is due to as significant anxiety. This is known as Selective Mutism. Selective mutism can be categorised by intense, prolonged and consistent feelings of fear towards the physical act of talking. Children with Selective Mutism want to talk but cannot because the simple act of talking creates a sense of panic. This is different to children who may be reluctant to talk due to reasons such as a lack of interest in communicating, being overwhelmed, shyness, or being embarrassed about their speech. This is different to the ‘silent period’ when learning a new language.
Selective Mutism is a consistent failure to speak in specific social situations where speaking is expected despite speaking in other situations. For example, a child may be unable to speak in the school setting. Children with Selective Mutism will suddenly stop talking, start to whisper or physically freeze when they get close to other people they are not comfortable around. They may describe a feeling of a blockage in their throat as their muscles tense up preventing them from talking, laughing or crying out loud. They may wish to speak but are physically unable. If a child presenting with selective mutism, support may be required from health care professionals to help them to overcome it.
Top Tips to reduce your child’s anxiety and encourage talking
Below are some strategies which can be used to reduce your child’s anxiety and encourage talking:
- Reduce pressure to talk: Reassure your child that they don’t need to speak until they’re ready, e.g., “It’s okay you don’t have to talk at Mammy’s friend’s house.”
- Focus on capabilities: Encourage participation by highlighting what your child can do, e.g., “You can help me set up the game.”
- Talk positively about mistakes: Emphasize that mistakes are part of learning, encouraging practice and resilience, e.g., “It’s great that you’re trying; mistakes help us improve.”
- Avoid open-ended questions: Use yes/no or choice questions to reduce pressure, e.g., “Did Billy come to school?” or “Did you play football or tag?”
- Use comments for opportunities: Make statements that invite response without pressure, e.g., “That’s a nice tower you’re building,” or rhetorical questions like “That’s a fun game, isn’t it?”
- Encourage speaking opportunities: Pose questions that prompt your child to speak, e.g., “I wonder where that piece of jigsaw goes?”
- Normalize speaking: Treat speaking as a normal occurrence when it happens and don’t bring too much attention to it.
- Smile reassuringly: Maintain a positive demeanour; if others question your child’s silence, respond with supportive language, e.g., “She’s just listening today.”
- Acknowledge difficulties: Let your child know you understand that talking can be challenging and that they can speak when they feel ready.
Share these tips with family, friends and teachers so that everyone is using the same strategies.
This article was contributed by the Primacy Care Child and Family Psychology Service, a member of Parenting Limerick.
