I’m lying in my bed watching an Irish programme about IVF, it’s Tuesday night and my blood test is in the morning so I’m feeling nervous and very tired.
Four couples all doing IVF in this programme and it’s all so raw for me. It’s only been four weeks since my failed IVF cycle! They speak of the struggle, the pain; they tell how it takes its toll on their lives. Suddenly I’m crying because it’s so real. The truth is IVF is so expensive and leaves most couples in debt and you know this before you start but what you don’t know is the toll it has on your mental health. No one can prepare you for that and that is what really tires you out, that’s what wears you down. The months/years of my fails are so costly to my mind I don’t think you can ever explain how much it affects you. I was a newly married woman that should have been out enjoying life not looking at the clock to see if it’s time for a pill or another injection. You become angry and bitter. Some days are bad and some days are good but whatever the day your life has to continue on.
It’s 9.40 am which means its clinic time. I’m seen straight away. No waiting around, no time to think and no time to process what is about to happen. A nurse takes me to a cubicle section of a room and takes my bloods. I ask a few questions but she tells me my doctor will email me with more information. I feel deflated. I want to know everything about this blood test. I have so many questions; am I ever going have another baby? What happens if I have killer cells? What does it mean if I don’t? Did my body reject my embryo or not? I wish I had brought Mark or someone with me, I feel like a lost child. Then I find out its two weeks before I will have the results. Are you serious? IVF why are doing this to us!?
I told you before it’s a head melt to the extreme and no one can prepare you for your journey. Every journey has twists and turns. I’m barely holding on but you have to take it day by day. Hang in there!
Do you have questions that you want to ask Denise? Or would like to show her your support? Feel free to comment below.
Want to see behind the scenes footage of Denise’s IVF journey? Follow her on Snapchat username: dephillipa or Facebook: MillionDollarBaby.
If you are affected by issues raised in this article or would like access to further information and support, please see contact information below.
Image copyright of Gary O’Donnell click here to see other work